I Cede You Peace

[abu nuwas]

I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace"You are peace" reads more smoothly yet ascertively.
(and reason too)
and me, am passionI'm
through and through.

Yet, I know your heartThe "yet" is a filler where no hole exists...so it sticks out
a golden gem,
but I will laugh, andWhy the conditional but. "so", surely.
raise up my head
(as once you said) "As once you said" tips the statement into singularity. You only said "xxxx" once. You may mean that...or....do you mean "As you once said", which emphasises the "you" and nobody else, BUT also has the effect of suspected negation. You once said "xxxx"... but do you still? I suspect the latter.
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will, This is an interesting point. The comma is as wrong as a colon would be right. I cannot recall seeing a declaration so ripe for a colonoscopy. Try it. If you don't like it I will be lampooned, not you. Don't see many colons these days.
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

This just gets better and better. I only stick my suggestions up because I want to be associated with excellence
Very Best and well done,
tectak

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I Cede You Peace

I cede you peace,
I'll keep my passion.
Let's have a feast,
we'll dress in fashion;
you're peace
(and reason too)
and me, am passion
through and through.

Yet, I know your heart
a golden gem,
and I will laugh,
raise up my head
(as once you said)
to make of empty peace
a new facade.

I will,
disturb the peace
in my own fashion.
I cede you peace
in search of passion

Ummm Hello! This is more on my end... but I didn't understand your poem very well. I'm new to poetry so that's probably my fault. And also I don't know what "cede" means lol. Anyways I like peace and passion so this poem is fine with me!

...but your critique is not fine. Appreciating that you are new to this could you kindly attempt to say something about the piece that would help the writer. Perhaps if you had looked up "cede" in advance you could have made an informed comment on the use of the word. This would help both you and the writer. That is what the site is for.
Admin

Loretta, if you should adopt tectak's colon -which sounds mildly disgusting - perhaps it would be good to use it as colons are best used, namely, to elaborate a list of what has just been stated as a generality. Thus, it might go:

''I will:
disturb the peace
in my own fashion; and
cede you your peace
in search of passion.''

By way of explanation, a simple example of using a colon like this, would be:-

'' Loretta displayed many good qualities: patience, tact, elegance of style, charm and intelligence...''