05-12-2014, 09:00 PM
Hi bbcashdollar!
Hmm...
You might want to have pity on the Fahrenheit-challenged and maybe change this to "98.6/32" or something similar. Of course, if you changed it simply to "32", you would get the Celsius Liberation Front after you.
Did you ever think of stoking up the romantic heat here & changing "warmer" to "hotter"?
An SO's neck can be very attractive but the "of" here kills this line.
Methinks you could add a definite article and pronoun or two here. It seems kind of awkward as it is.
Changing "how could I" to "now will I" (or even simply "how I could") and maybe adding an exclamation point at the end would definitely stoke up the romantic heat and hint at what may be next.
I would say you've got one leg inside.
nb
Hmm...
Quote:98.6, I laugh
You might want to have pity on the Fahrenheit-challenged and maybe change this to "98.6/32" or something similar. Of course, if you changed it simply to "32", you would get the Celsius Liberation Front after you.
Quote:your touch is
much warmer
than that
Did you ever think of stoking up the romantic heat here & changing "warmer" to "hotter"?
Quote:soft slender of your neck
respite in the small of your back
An SO's neck can be very attractive but the "of" here kills this line.
Quote:grace of your hand
tuck strawberry & blonde curls
from fiery keen eyes
breath from your lips
the cut of your tongue
Methinks you could add a definite article and pronoun or two here. It seems kind of awkward as it is.
Quote:how could I help myself
Changing "how could I" to "now will I" (or even simply "how I could") and maybe adding an exclamation point at the end would definitely stoke up the romantic heat and hint at what may be next.
Quote:romantic poetry is way outside my wheelhouse...
I would say you've got one leg inside.
nb