05-12-2014, 05:52 PM
98.6 , I laugh
(what is 98.6?)
your touch is
much warmer
than that
soft slender of your neck
respite in the small of your back
(Given how you wrote the first two stanza's, I almost feel like this could be two seperate ones?)
grace of your hand
tuck strawberry & blonde curls
from fiery keen eyes
(Fiery keen eyes and 'cut of your tonuge' also stand out to me as perhaps needing to be further explored or changed? Is this person both soft and lively?)
breath from your lips
the cut of your tongue
The ending could also definitely be punchier.
Overall though, I feel like it's got potential.
(what is 98.6?)
your touch is
much warmer
than that
soft slender of your neck
respite in the small of your back
(Given how you wrote the first two stanza's, I almost feel like this could be two seperate ones?)
grace of your hand
tuck strawberry & blonde curls
from fiery keen eyes
(Fiery keen eyes and 'cut of your tonuge' also stand out to me as perhaps needing to be further explored or changed? Is this person both soft and lively?)
breath from your lips
the cut of your tongue
The ending could also definitely be punchier.
Overall though, I feel like it's got potential.