05-12-2014, 06:00 AM
"soft slender of your neck" I'm all for terseness, but even an article couldn't save this line, "soft slender" makes no sense. Maybe
"the slender softness of your neck"
"respite in the small of your back" this sounds closer to making sense, but no it doesn't. Let's use a synonym for "respite": "rest".
"rest in the small of your back" you are lacking a subject. I rest in the small of your back. I find respite in the small of your back? If you wanted to be clever you might say, "respite lies in the small of your back"..."for me"
See, here is the problem with not punctuating. Each line is read as a sentence, but "grace of your hand" is not a sentence, or at least each grouping is read as a sentence:
"grace of your hand tuck strawberry & blonde curls from fiery keen eyes"
which of course makes even less sense. As I said, I'm all for terseness, but not at the sake of clarity. This sort of writing is like a big soap bubble. It looks like there is something there, but if you poke it, it disappears.
I think the question anyone has to ask themselves is, "what is the rationale for this? I am breaking the rules of grammar, can I support doing so?" That is to say, is this somehow better than if you wrote grammatically? I would say no. This is blurb writing. If you got a group of people together and asked, "what's your lover like", and then wrote it as a poem, this is what you would have, although I think no one would say "from fiery keen eyes".
Dale
"the slender softness of your neck"
"respite in the small of your back" this sounds closer to making sense, but no it doesn't. Let's use a synonym for "respite": "rest".
"rest in the small of your back" you are lacking a subject. I rest in the small of your back. I find respite in the small of your back? If you wanted to be clever you might say, "respite lies in the small of your back"..."for me"
See, here is the problem with not punctuating. Each line is read as a sentence, but "grace of your hand" is not a sentence, or at least each grouping is read as a sentence:
"grace of your hand tuck strawberry & blonde curls from fiery keen eyes"
which of course makes even less sense. As I said, I'm all for terseness, but not at the sake of clarity. This sort of writing is like a big soap bubble. It looks like there is something there, but if you poke it, it disappears.
I think the question anyone has to ask themselves is, "what is the rationale for this? I am breaking the rules of grammar, can I support doing so?" That is to say, is this somehow better than if you wrote grammatically? I would say no. This is blurb writing. If you got a group of people together and asked, "what's your lover like", and then wrote it as a poem, this is what you would have, although I think no one would say "from fiery keen eyes".
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.