Depression

[Jinxy]

It announces itself at the door,
a steel pointed probe,
ridiculous laugh. Neck-back-arched neck-back-arched? very awkward wording. Just because you use a hypen doesn't mean that a "neck-back" is now a thing.
guffaw. one word verses are not the greatest, this gives no more emphasis than having a one-verse "guffaw with an arched back" or what have you

You stand in the center of a stagnant pool. No
colors to be sure
but gray and cool they slink about like rootless spooks, who is "they"? no idea wha'ts going on here
checking your soft core with that steel prod. "they" and "it" are the same? Doesn't work


Your body parts iron ball and chain you to a gloom-spelled doom. terribly awkward. If you really have to include the iron ball, then denote a body part that is like the chain, and one that is like the ball. Right now your entire body (unspecific body parts=whole body to the reader), 1 thing, is a ball and chain, 2 things.

"your head an iron ball with
spine a dooming chain"

That's still not very good but you get the idea : P

... where sound waves ooze
like pimpled oil. "Ooze like pimpled oil" is nice imagery, but i cant wrap my head around sound waves oozing .
The mercury bar falls, and with it its silence When you say "the mercury bar" you are talking about a specific mercury bar. What mercury bar? This just came out of nowhere. "with its silence a baffling crash" the falling bar is silent? The room is not "it" when you say "it" right after you talk about some mercury bar.
a baffling crash.


In the bleak city where buildings loom over pulled
shrieks in alien sounds of metal pipes and cars, This is total nonsense, read it aloud

the olden days flash by: a black and white still of a horse drawn carriage and a black top hats silhouette against the building's
sky. there are 30 syllables in the above line, and 1 here. There are 24 words above, and one word here. That does not work. Also, read this aloud. The building's sky? what?