05-10-2014, 08:11 AM
benno...,
"anchor cast" I have no idea what this is. I understand the words individually and I understand what "cast anchor" means. I infer from the poem it has some meaning as an object, but that's as far as I get. Maybe it is colloquial?
"a horn blare bushes" the article "a" is singular, the object "bushes" is plural. So..I don't get how you are using that, or if it us a typo.
You also seem to change tenses a lot.
"The badlands are split" (present)
"so iron centipedes could chase" (past)
"what meekness" Not capping "what" is inconsistent with the start of the poem. Is there some sort of rationale for doing so?
I don't understand the use of hyphens at all. There is already space after the line to create a caesura.
_________________________
Is this suppose to be a sentence?
What meekness remains is hollowed in the trunk of a horn blare bushes fainting in the mad rush until everything could only grow pretending as if they dreamed to be degenerate skyscrapers.
_______________________________________________________________________________
I think the idea that you purpose for the poem is beyond the scope of something this short. You might noticed that your synopsis is nearly as long as the poem.
"I wrote the poem about how science and technology often imitates the natural world. But then also if the ecosystem becomes science and technology the idea of nature imitating science and the feeling of the city in response so that nature can grow and adapt."
Personally I see no use of meter in this, except incidentally. One can nearly always pick some meter out of anything, that does not mean it is used well or effectively.
"skyscrapers Trochaic monometer" "skyscrapers" cannot be a single foot of trochee as it has three syllables. "skyscrapers" is actually a foot of dactyl.
I like the idea that you are trying for, although I think it is too involved for a single poem to do justice. However, until you clean up the grammatical and/or typo problems, I am going to have trouble saying much about it's meaning.
Dale
"anchor cast" I have no idea what this is. I understand the words individually and I understand what "cast anchor" means. I infer from the poem it has some meaning as an object, but that's as far as I get. Maybe it is colloquial?
"a horn blare bushes" the article "a" is singular, the object "bushes" is plural. So..I don't get how you are using that, or if it us a typo.
You also seem to change tenses a lot.
"The badlands are split" (present)
"so iron centipedes could chase" (past)
"what meekness" Not capping "what" is inconsistent with the start of the poem. Is there some sort of rationale for doing so?
I don't understand the use of hyphens at all. There is already space after the line to create a caesura.
_________________________
Is this suppose to be a sentence?
What meekness remains is hollowed in the trunk of a horn blare bushes fainting in the mad rush until everything could only grow pretending as if they dreamed to be degenerate skyscrapers.
_______________________________________________________________________________
I think the idea that you purpose for the poem is beyond the scope of something this short. You might noticed that your synopsis is nearly as long as the poem.
"I wrote the poem about how science and technology often imitates the natural world. But then also if the ecosystem becomes science and technology the idea of nature imitating science and the feeling of the city in response so that nature can grow and adapt."
Personally I see no use of meter in this, except incidentally. One can nearly always pick some meter out of anything, that does not mean it is used well or effectively.
"skyscrapers Trochaic monometer" "skyscrapers" cannot be a single foot of trochee as it has three syllables. "skyscrapers" is actually a foot of dactyl.
I like the idea that you are trying for, although I think it is too involved for a single poem to do justice. However, until you clean up the grammatical and/or typo problems, I am going to have trouble saying much about it's meaning.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.