05-10-2014, 05:10 AM
This reminded me of my childhood -- the ubiquitous cicadas and crickets -- the only difference is the bird. Here we'd hear the mopoke (and it too makes a sound just like its name).
The juxtaposition between the two stanzas is quite masterful, and I mourned a little. I would like to see fresher imagery than "honking horns" or "wailing sirens", but I do love the thousand-frog choir.
I'm also not convinced you need the first two lines of the second stanza. The passage of time is clearly implied by the rest.
But I like this a whole lot, and as you've already done some (lots of) tinkering I don't want to force anything more on you
The juxtaposition between the two stanzas is quite masterful, and I mourned a little. I would like to see fresher imagery than "honking horns" or "wailing sirens", but I do love the thousand-frog choir.
I'm also not convinced you need the first two lines of the second stanza. The passage of time is clearly implied by the rest.
But I like this a whole lot, and as you've already done some (lots of) tinkering I don't want to force anything more on you
It could be worse