Frankenstein’s Mistress

[ChristopherSea]

MACRO: first of all, I like this draft sooo much more. so I dug in . . .

this poem is dancing between personification and embodiment. I don't want "trust" to be killed, as in the personification, I want some lovely wide-eyed puppy to be killed, as in an embodiment of trust. Ditto self-denial.


Frankenstein’s Mistress

I did not create the monster,
--"create" is weak
--you have two independent clauses joined w a comma
--I like the disclaimer, here

it crept into my life
wearing your skin.
--great allure. really creepy

I watched
--"I watched" is weak, but it also feels like a missed opportunity

trust become your victim,
--"become" is inert, i.e. weak
--I like the mood *a lot*
--the rhythm is nice and sinister

knifed on an evening stroll.

--trust getting knifed on an evening stroll is an image that I can't get

I couldn’t stem the glut
of self-denial spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.
--the image could be saved here, I think
--trust gets cut and "self-denial" pours out. I'm having a fair amount of trouble, here . . .

My suspicions amassed
--"amassing" is more correct
--prolly you want a different verb, but is also prolly gonna be a gerund

with each excursion into town.
----so, this is suuuper picky, but "excursion" means to run out and away (ex + curro, currere). So, imho, you'd have an excursion out of town, not into it . . . yeah. Prolly a waste of time note, there

Men incessantly staring at you,
their eyes incensed,
faces inanimate, as if stricken
by an unnamable malady.
--incomplete sentence, here
--I still think incessant and staring are redundant

From your smirk, I surmised
that many others gulped down
your honeydewed words,
devoured those alluring glazed lines
they were served. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that is all curves.
--so right, here
--there are points I could make, but I'll leave it
--except to say, I feel a stress on "is" that I'm not happy about . . .

I imbibed,
but fought addiction;
--nice

obsession failed to root.
I shall continue to endure,
--good use of "shall"

while you are the one who must flee
to find a new host,
--this is clunky, to me

an alternative junkie.
--I really don't like "alternative" here. It seems to pose an equivalency that the narrative doesn't support. That is, she needs to find just *a* junkie. It's been established that the narrator ain't a junkie at all, you know?

Better hurry darling;
--cool line
--needs a comma for direct address

angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the driveway.
--"coming" is a big missed opportunity
--why are the villagers angry? I know they fit the trope, but in the story, the monster only ever attempts to injure the speaker

Thank you crow for the return visit and suggestions, I really appreciate it. Those look-for-a-better-word recommendations are good ones and I will address them in my next edit. I thought the theme and central metaphor were clear. Trust was chosen to be killed, because when it dies there is no chance for a relationship to survive. I suppose that I could have her knock off the family pet to satisfy your need for blood flow. I think that self-denial should be denial alone, but it is there to imply that trust for the narrator was slipping away before it's sudden death. As for the mob mentality, I thought that I made it clear through the reaction of the men (minus a 'would') that the mistress has had her way with the majority of them over the years. She essentially was exiled to suburbia. Let me see what else I can do to reinforce that. Cheers./Chris