False Memory 0.0001 true,brownlie.

[billy]

hi tom
i had to remove where i said stanza instead of verse, i was half way through the poem before i realised you has a good rhyme scheme. my feedback was a pit picky as i think you have a good solid poem here. the love joy line was the main line that through me, i see love joy as an antique deal on tv. other than that i just had a couple of niggles. i got the feeling of a lot of love in the piece and wondered if indeed the poem was about false memories.

thanks for the read.

False Memory

The last chord squeezed in to the space between me and my head.
I played in blue and minor keys,
drifting shifts on dog-day seas, great d's and s's it reads perfectly
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along; i like the metaphor
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led. an inversion that just works and feels in the mood of the verse, though i wonder if it could be better said. a good opening verse with some good alliteration.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; not so keen on this inversion, it adds unnecessary punctuation
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
true telling of that first love joy, first love joy held me up for too long
false memories prevail. a suggestion would be first love, joywhile i like the line i can't see the stated false memories

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; a suggestion would be [where birches used to crowd....]
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed. is [but] needed?
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014