05-07-2014, 08:03 PM
I wasn't sure which poem is the original and which is the edit, as they both are marked rewritten. The convention is to post the re-write above the original. I think yours is reverse, as that spurious question mark has been removed. I do prefer this one as well.
As for specifics, that should be 'creates'. Also, 'of pulsating rhythm' is redundant and should be deleted. Above the 'rest' is a little weak, try 'above the din' or something like it. I love the striking contrast of the two stanzas.
I don't think the closing line of each stanza adds that much. Yes, they are like codas, but they have some filler and cliche repeats. The whippoorwill alone should echo the closes for each. See what you think. Nice editing thus far./Chris
As for specifics, that should be 'creates'. Also, 'of pulsating rhythm' is redundant and should be deleted. Above the 'rest' is a little weak, try 'above the din' or something like it. I love the striking contrast of the two stanzas.
I don't think the closing line of each stanza adds that much. Yes, they are like codas, but they have some filler and cliche repeats. The whippoorwill alone should echo the closes for each. See what you think. Nice editing thus far./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris