05-07-2014, 07:42 PM
I like the flow and form. However, the title threw me on the theme or perhaps it is misdirection or merely suggestion. Most of the memories are up to speculation. Both the regret and motivation are not supplied. This is more of the set and setting alone.
The gold from lead metaphor is leading, as if you should have seen through the false reality or cloud (seen that the alchemy was pseudo-science).
Some other observations: In line-1, something more intriguing than ‘came’ is called for in my read. In line-2, ‘blues’ might be more apropos and supply double entendre. First line, stanza-2, shouldn’t that be ‘into’? ‘the telling of first love joy’ sounds off, maybe something like: ‘the conveyance of first love’s joy.’
The final stanza begins lovely, but again those false memories are vague. That could be your choice or my clogged sinuses this morning. I hope something herein helps with your next edit. Cheers/Chris
The gold from lead metaphor is leading, as if you should have seen through the false reality or cloud (seen that the alchemy was pseudo-science).
Some other observations: In line-1, something more intriguing than ‘came’ is called for in my read. In line-2, ‘blues’ might be more apropos and supply double entendre. First line, stanza-2, shouldn’t that be ‘into’? ‘the telling of first love joy’ sounds off, maybe something like: ‘the conveyance of first love’s joy.’
The final stanza begins lovely, but again those false memories are vague. That could be your choice or my clogged sinuses this morning. I hope something herein helps with your next edit. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris