05-07-2014, 07:33 PM
I'm confused by the question marks in the beginning. Are they apart of the revision, or editor's note.? I found their presence very distracting.
Also there are two metaphors the bird and the buried treasure. I would suggest either tie them together or pick one.
You talk about memories and rebellious youth. Share the memory, so we can experience what the narrator experiences. Also capture the parents' struggle to help lift the child out of depression(?). Could be powerful.
Also, it seems the bird is there to remind the subject what hasn't been achieved, go deeper into that.
Finally, don't have the narrator remember the experience, as the author recreate it susinctly,so we all can remember it. Hope that's helpful.
Also there are two metaphors the bird and the buried treasure. I would suggest either tie them together or pick one.
You talk about memories and rebellious youth. Share the memory, so we can experience what the narrator experiences. Also capture the parents' struggle to help lift the child out of depression(?). Could be powerful.
Also, it seems the bird is there to remind the subject what hasn't been achieved, go deeper into that.
Finally, don't have the narrator remember the experience, as the author recreate it susinctly,so we all can remember it. Hope that's helpful.