False Memory 0.0001 true,brownlie.

[tectak]

False Memory

This is quite good. I want to say that right off the bat.

The last chord came in to the space between me and my head.
I played the blue and minor keys
adrift somewhere on distant seas,
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; - I think there is a problem here. It seems you either need an s on clouds or something like an "a" before it. My language is failing me at the moment
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
the telling of that first love joy, -- I think there is another problem here with joy, it might be an inversion or something. Though, the rhyming is nice I think the concept and diction are powerful enough on their own.
the memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; - I'm not very good with flowers, but I think this might connect to the Arthurian concepts you brought in earlier, either way this is an intriguing line.
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties: -- Good colon
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

Well, hopefully someone gives you some more constructive comments. For my part, I thought it was very good.

Hi brownlie,
Always good to hear your take. I take it as a good sign that the nits from you are few. There is, believe it, a reason for the singular cloud...it is because I want to emphasise the "leaden" uniformity of the sky in order to effect the alchemaic transmutation in to gold (I realised that a grail need not be gold so I tried to implant the image of a cup or chalice formed from the sun rays bursting upwards...I saw this effect in truth.) So it is cloud not clouds...meteorologically "overcast". That is all on this but I do agree about the "joy" line...it irks me,too. I cannot justify a change until I can see what that change should be...but I must change it.
On the blue-bell hill thing I am not being at all creative. Right now, right here, we have birch tree woods on hilly slopes deep in blue haze...it would be difficult to be any more poetic than by being factual
Best and thanks,
tectak

---

False Memory

The last chord came in to the space between me and my head.
I played the blue and minor keys
adrift somewhere on distant seas,
Somewhere is not doing anything here aside from letting us know that it's not anywhere in particular. I would suggest finding a place or sea or losing the filler.
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led.

I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud;
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
the telling of that first love joy,
the memories prevail.

I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view;
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties:
a love that I once knew.

tectak
2000-2014

I like this. I mean, I get it. Isn't that the point? Anyway, aside from the one distraction I mentioned above--which hinders my immersion--I was, am, there the whole way.

I'm grateful for the read. Thank you.

Hi true,
it is my duty to totally immerse you so I have buggered about with the sea line. This is one of those cases where I know what I want to say, where there is much available to say, but I am in danger of saying too much...have I? Shit, man, I cry when I read some of my own stuff...how anal is that?
Best,
tectak