05-07-2014, 08:41 AM
(05-06-2014, 06:24 PM)tectak Wrote: False MemoryWell, hopefully someone gives you some more constructive comments. For my part, I thought it was very good.
This is quite good. I want to say that right off the bat.
The last chord came in to the space between me and my head.
I played the blue and minor keys
adrift somewhere on distant seas,
not noticing that memories
were sails that pulled my ship along;
though by my hand and Siren song
I willingly was led.
I watched a leaden evening sky transmute in to the grail.
Bright fingers, golden, thrust through cloud; - I think there is a problem here. It seems you either need an s on clouds or something like an "a" before it. My language is failing me at the moment
I saw the cup held up and vowed
that thoughts like these were still allowed.
Though manhood takes from every boy
the telling of that first love joy, -- I think there is another problem here with joy, it might be an inversion or something. Though, the rhyming is nice I think the concept and diction are powerful enough on their own.
the memories prevail.
I walked beside a blue-bell hill where birches crowd the view; - I'm not very good with flowers, but I think this might connect to the Arthurian concepts you brought in earlier, either way this is an intriguing line.
but then, transfixed, I stopped and sighed.
From deep within I realised
a sadness dwelt there, minimised
by all the years of living lies,
choked by another's binding ties: -- Good colon
a love that I once knew.
tectak
2000-2014

