05-05-2014, 07:55 AM
(05-05-2014, 07:47 AM)Erthona Wrote: The revision is better, stanza 2 is still very off, easy to correct:
Inhale the depth of the wild salt air
as he runs his fingers through your hair
watch as he blows through the streets
tossing dead leaves that once dwelt in peace
swaying the lanterns the street corners keep
Best,
dale
That line is supposed to represent the timelessness of the question; streetlamps hanging centuries ago. I was thinking of breaking up the first two verses to three:
hear the wild wind, his musical roar
as he sweeps from the north and kisses the moor
he sings of adventure and groans to allure
riding the hills in his splendid(?) grandeur
Inhale the depth of the wild salt air
as he runs his wild fingers through your tossed hair
2 more lines
watch the wild wind as he blows through the streets
tossing dead leaves that once dwelt in peace
swaying the lanterns the street corners keep
1 more line her
I know yours is simpler, but I think it sounds less rythmic. I would try to expand and keep the flow. Does this sound feasible? I can see i will need some time and isolation for those additional lines. Thank you again Dale, it is great to have an instructor; I appreciate it so much. Loretta