05-03-2014, 02:07 AM
cella,
Oh, I just looked at the first stanza, the second stanza is fine. Considering what you said about "I'm aiming at older", I see that. Take the "then" out of L2, maybe move the last two lines of S1 to the end of S2 as they seem more of a conclusion. Of course how you have it is fine, but you know me, once I get to playing with something I just can't stop, which can be good or bad depending on the occasion
Hey, can I help it if I am a cunning linguist!
xoxox
Dale
Counting faded scars from having lost big;
repacked the luggage for better balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
a welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder,
a pat on the butt,
and kisses hot enough to heat the long winter.
Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.
All of this coming with the knowledge
that it was brought by grace and luck.
Personally, I would keep it as you have it, but that's just me
Oh, I just looked at the first stanza, the second stanza is fine. Considering what you said about "I'm aiming at older", I see that. Take the "then" out of L2, maybe move the last two lines of S1 to the end of S2 as they seem more of a conclusion. Of course how you have it is fine, but you know me, once I get to playing with something I just can't stop, which can be good or bad depending on the occasion
Hey, can I help it if I am a cunning linguist! xoxox
Dale
Counting faded scars from having lost big;
repacked the luggage for better balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
a welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder,
a pat on the butt,
and kisses hot enough to heat the long winter.
Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.
All of this coming with the knowledge
that it was brought by grace and luck.
Personally, I would keep it as you have it, but that's just me
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.