Frankenstein’s Mistress

[ChristopherSea]

Frankenstein’s Mistress
Alright sir, lets see what we've got here.

Trust was your first victim,
knifed on an evening stroll.
A single thrust to the kidney
induced instant shock
before the fool was lost
to us forever.

My suspicions first arose
when we drove into town.
The men would incessantly stare
at you from beneath -- from is redundant

their automaton masks,
through berserker eyes.

From your smirks, I surmised
that they too gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
your nature contoured. -- Another redundancy, because of curves and then contoured, because the rhyming is not consistent I would not result to any ornate language and would avoid what they call elegant variation.

I imbibed, but was not infected.
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
my adaptive immunity
victorious. I shall continue
to endure, while you must flee - I'm always a fan of a pun.
to find a new host.

Better pack your bags quickly
darling, angry villagers
with torches and pitchforks
are coming up the drive.

All in all I think you demonstrate some great diction and some real talent here. Hopefully my comments helped out.

Thanks a lot Brownlee for your time and critique. You are are right about that 'from'. On the curves, the first refers to her body and the second reference is about her nature. Contoured in the sense that he is not being straight/honest. So, there should be double entendre and not redundancy within those variations. Nonetheless the advice is well taken and I shall take another look at the wording. An edit is forth coming, Cheers/Chris

---

Well, I'll think about it, but I love the metaphorical theme of that Gothic classic. Moreover, it was the title and punchline that inspired everything in between. I think if I abandoned those, I would just trash the whole poem. The feme fatale is a favorite theme of mine and I can't get the idea of a Frankenstein/Monster flavored one out of my head. I can also do another. Much obliged for your input.
--then nevermind what I said the author's preference, well-tested, wins every time

You have given me an incentive to do another one with a more murderous and malicious mistress, so I welcome the advice./Chris