05-02-2014, 07:35 PM
I have never heard it used in a poem or outside of the horror classic.
--that doesn't make it not cliched!
That said, it really isn't material. I think you've got a great poem kicking around here, and now that I've looked at it through the micro, here's how I think you *might* maybe get there:
(1) I think the poem should be scary. That means someone dies or is mutilated.
(2) I think the "trust" theme should involve its companions: betrayal and faith.
(3) I absolutely, 100%, and without doubt think you should excise all references to Frankenstein. That reference might've been a good, writerly jumping off point , but it does nothing for you now, except to import a kind of Nickelodeon attitude to what I otherwise read as a sincere piece of writing.
(4) The curve vs. the line is the best image
-so-
(5) Whatever you do with this piece, aim for it to be twice as good. I think it can be
Two more things:
--"-'thinly glazed lines' implies lies, come on buddy" doesn't read the way you want because it's in the middle of a gorgeous image of dessert. [also, you wrote "thin," not "thinly," but no matter]
--just making sure . . . "Frankenstein" is the guy, and "Frankenstein's monster" is the monster. I realize I'm running the risk of condescension here, but it's good to be sure . . .
--that doesn't make it not cliched!
That said, it really isn't material. I think you've got a great poem kicking around here, and now that I've looked at it through the micro, here's how I think you *might* maybe get there:
(1) I think the poem should be scary. That means someone dies or is mutilated.
(2) I think the "trust" theme should involve its companions: betrayal and faith.
(3) I absolutely, 100%, and without doubt think you should excise all references to Frankenstein. That reference might've been a good, writerly jumping off point , but it does nothing for you now, except to import a kind of Nickelodeon attitude to what I otherwise read as a sincere piece of writing.
(4) The curve vs. the line is the best image
-so-
(5) Whatever you do with this piece, aim for it to be twice as good. I think it can be
Two more things:
--"-'thinly glazed lines' implies lies, come on buddy" doesn't read the way you want because it's in the middle of a gorgeous image of dessert. [also, you wrote "thin," not "thinly," but no matter]
--just making sure . . . "Frankenstein" is the guy, and "Frankenstein's monster" is the monster. I realize I'm running the risk of condescension here, but it's good to be sure . . .