Frankenstein’s Mistress

[ChristopherSea]

I'm going to do my edit without metabolizing the above, hoping not to be overly redundant


Frankenstein’s Mistress
--the foremost question is: is the mistress the speaker or the subject?


Trust was your first victim,
--who's? I assume F's and am guessing the M is the speaker

knifed on an evening stroll.
--psychopathy. A "ripper." Casual homicide. But also a likely metaphor for the potential for vulnerability

A single thrust to the kidney
--kidneys process urea, primarily. Nephrotic issues? (Btw, in the future, nepherotic is a helluva title )

induced instant shock
--induced is a medical frame
--I don't like "instant shock," as "shock instantly" would be the normal expression, but I'm ok with it

before the fool was lost
--OK, who's the fool? Lost meaning dead or incomprehensible?

to us forever.
--who's us? how long is forever?


My suspicions first arose
--suspicions of what? looking back, perhaps suspicions of . . . nm. No clue

when we drove into town.
--"drove" puts me in a modern setting, in a car not a carriage

The men would incessantly stare
--incessantly is redundant with stare. Why?

at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
--masks=a lie

through berserker eyes.
--berserker means enraged. it's a fighting style or an intention they aren't acting on?


From your smirks, I surmised
--superiority. Whoever "your" is, that person feels superior
--why is the speaker playing the detective with such relish? It's as though a criminal is being found out in the final act of a thriller

that they[,] too[,] gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
--too much metaphor

your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
--I'm bored

all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
--so, finally, "mistress" is the subject
--bc "Frankenstein's mistress" is not a person I've met before, I'm looking for you to help me w her identity

your nature contoured.
--this line does the opposite

I imbibed, but was not infected.
--Frankenstein imbibed? Infected by toxins? Toxins poison, they don't infect . . .
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
--a third malady? oy . . .
my adaptive immunity
--adaptive and immunity are largely redundant
victorious. I shall continue
--immunity and victorious are *certainly* redundant
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.
--wha???

Better pack your bags quickly[,]
darling, angry villagers
--the comma above is wrong. You want a period or a semi, or possibly a colon
with torches and pitchforks
--cliche? Why? You've spent the poem on radically novel tropes. Why now a cliche?
are coming up the drive.
--what drive? there was a car earlier that was the vehicle of first suspicion. Now the drive represents a return "home"?

--macro: I think this is one person introspecting from a third person position, but I'm so lost, I don't know. That said, I like the short, clean lines. Can you clue me in done without sacrificing the quickness of the verse?

Crow, I really appreciate your read, time and detailed critique. Most of your queries are answered above, but I will still try to address your specifics. The confusion over the characters and narration is surprising as it follows the classic horror genera;

-'Frankenstein' is the narrator and the mistress is the 'monster'.
-The first victim was 'trust' and not a person.
-I'll correct the shock, thanks. Kidney is a quick kill. I can lose the forever.
-'Trust' was the fool for not being 'suspicious' of her evil nature
-Using 'ride' may hide the time (could be a car though, as this is not the classic story)
-I will work on those mixed infectious/toxic metaphors. However, there are infectious organisms that secrete toxins. I am going to go a drug route (toxic and addictive)
-the masks are hiding their horror, but not the crazed stares, I am reconsidering the bersercker
-the narrator does feel victorious, the master detective, even the superior for the first time, etc., He is driving the beast from the town
-Adaptive immunity is real and the same as acquired immunity, but as aforementioned I shall take the 'drug' route. Thanks to you and Tom for pointing out the quagmire.
- Thanks for that comma correction
- I disagree with your characterization of the torches/pitchforks. I have never heard it used in a poem or outside of the horror classic. They are not common place expressions. The are specific to this Gothic horror classic and the Frankenstein genera. These are the critical punchline and monster reveal. You can call it want you want, but they aren't moving.
Additionally, this is an alternative version of the classic story with the same climax and moral. Terrorize an entire village and they are going to come after you. It's not cliche to run someone out of town or lynch someone. Cliche is a tired expression, here it's metaphorical and a perfect close for this.
-Driveway may work, but I will make that distinction.
-Yes, it's first person narration addressing his mistress/monster

Thank you so much for having me review the poem in all aspects. Forcing the author to think through the piece and rationalize the lines helps a lot during the editing process. Cheers Crow/Chris