05-02-2014, 02:48 PM
I'm going to do my edit without metabolizing the above, hoping not to be overly redundant
Frankenstein’s Mistress
--the foremost question is: is the mistress the speaker or the subject?
Trust was your first victim,
--who's? I assume F's and am guessing the M is the speaker
knifed on an evening stroll.
--psychopathy. A "ripper." Casual homicide. But also a likely metaphor for the potential for vulnerability
A single thrust to the kidney
--kidneys process urea, primarily. Nephrotic issues? (Btw, in the future, nepherotic is a helluva title
)
induced instant shock
--induced is a medical frame
--I don't like "instant shock," as "shock instantly" would be the normal expression, but I'm ok with it
before the fool was lost
--OK, who's the fool? Lost meaning dead or incomprehensible?
to us forever.
--who's us? how long is forever?
My suspicions first arose
--suspicions of what? looking back, perhaps suspicions of . . . nm. No clue
when we drove into town.
--"drove" puts me in a modern setting, in a car not a carriage
The men would incessantly stare
--incessantly is redundant with stare. Why?
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
--masks=a lie
through berserker eyes.
--berserker means enraged. it's a fighting style or an intention they aren't acting on?
From your smirks, I surmised
--superiority. Whoever "your" is, that person feels superior
--why is the speaker playing the detective with such relish? It's as though a criminal is being found out in the final act of a thriller
that they[,] too[,] gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
--too much metaphor
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
--I'm bored
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
--so, finally, "mistress" is the subject
--bc "Frankenstein's mistress" is not a person I've met before, I'm looking for you to help me w her identity
your nature contoured.
--this line does the opposite
I imbibed, but was not infected.
--Frankenstein imbibed? Infected by toxins? Toxins poison, they don't infect . . .
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
--a third malady? oy . . .
my adaptive immunity
--adaptive and immunity are largely redundant
victorious. I shall continue
--immunity and victorious are *certainly* redundant
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.
--wha???
Better pack your bags quickly[,]
darling, angry villagers
--the comma above is wrong. You want a period or a semi, or possibly a colon
with torches and pitchforks
--cliche? Why? You've spent the poem on radically novel tropes. Why now a cliche?
are coming up the drive.
--what drive? there was a car earlier that was the vehicle of first suspicion. Now the drive represents a return "home"?
--macro: I think this is one person introspecting from a third person position, but I'm so lost, I don't know. That said, I like the short, clean lines. Can you clue me in done without sacrificing the quickness of the verse?
Frankenstein’s Mistress
--the foremost question is: is the mistress the speaker or the subject?
Trust was your first victim,
--who's? I assume F's and am guessing the M is the speaker
knifed on an evening stroll.
--psychopathy. A "ripper." Casual homicide. But also a likely metaphor for the potential for vulnerability
A single thrust to the kidney
--kidneys process urea, primarily. Nephrotic issues? (Btw, in the future, nepherotic is a helluva title
)induced instant shock
--induced is a medical frame
--I don't like "instant shock," as "shock instantly" would be the normal expression, but I'm ok with it
before the fool was lost
--OK, who's the fool? Lost meaning dead or incomprehensible?
to us forever.
--who's us? how long is forever?
My suspicions first arose
--suspicions of what? looking back, perhaps suspicions of . . . nm. No clue
when we drove into town.
--"drove" puts me in a modern setting, in a car not a carriage
The men would incessantly stare
--incessantly is redundant with stare. Why?
at you from beneath
their automaton masks,
--masks=a lie
through berserker eyes.
--berserker means enraged. it's a fighting style or an intention they aren't acting on?
From your smirks, I surmised
--superiority. Whoever "your" is, that person feels superior
--why is the speaker playing the detective with such relish? It's as though a criminal is being found out in the final act of a thriller
that they[,] too[,] gulped down
your contagious cocktails
of honeydew words,
--too much metaphor
your toxic desserts served
in thin glazed lines,
--I'm bored
all the while knowing your body
was all curves,
--so, finally, "mistress" is the subject
--bc "Frankenstein's mistress" is not a person I've met before, I'm looking for you to help me w her identity
your nature contoured.
--this line does the opposite
I imbibed, but was not infected.
--Frankenstein imbibed? Infected by toxins? Toxins poison, they don't infect . . .
Parasitism failed to find foothold,
--a third malady? oy . . .
my adaptive immunity
--adaptive and immunity are largely redundant
victorious. I shall continue
--immunity and victorious are *certainly* redundant
to endure, while you must flee
to find a new host.
--wha???
Better pack your bags quickly[,]
darling, angry villagers
--the comma above is wrong. You want a period or a semi, or possibly a colon
with torches and pitchforks
--cliche? Why? You've spent the poem on radically novel tropes. Why now a cliche?
are coming up the drive.
--what drive? there was a car earlier that was the vehicle of first suspicion. Now the drive represents a return "home"?
--macro: I think this is one person introspecting from a third person position, but I'm so lost, I don't know. That said, I like the short, clean lines. Can you clue me in done without sacrificing the quickness of the verse?