05-02-2014, 11:58 AM
lovely piece ella.
beautiful sentiment
2 thoughts to ponder;
Like 71 said, a touch abstract, but not so much as to detract.
Id love from the "tracing lines" in stanza two. I think you could capture something beautiful with this. An intimate cheek brush or feathered kiss perhaps? Something that expands from the hand on shoulder/butt patt/hot kisses in stanza one.
And I'm ambivalent about "gleaming nuggets". It doesn't add a lot to the subsequent images and feels a little redundant...
anyway, merely opinions. thanks for the read, and then then smile
beautiful sentiment
2 thoughts to ponder;
Like 71 said, a touch abstract, but not so much as to detract.
Id love from the "tracing lines" in stanza two. I think you could capture something beautiful with this. An intimate cheek brush or feathered kiss perhaps? Something that expands from the hand on shoulder/butt patt/hot kisses in stanza one.
And I'm ambivalent about "gleaming nuggets". It doesn't add a lot to the subsequent images and feels a little redundant...
anyway, merely opinions. thanks for the read, and then then smile
(05-02-2014, 02:34 AM)ellajam Wrote: (Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)
Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.
Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.