Bells
#2
(05-02-2014, 05:31 AM)expiring_touch Wrote:  This part of Hamburg looks and feels Siberian
retracing chubby childish fingers
along the footnote creased in exile. The first line seems disconnected from the following two. Perhaps you could put a semi-colon after the first line, or add something in-between the first and second lines to minimize this.
Its air has intake and a bit of spring
that sends the leafy shadows quivering
against the patchy asphalt. I don't know what having intake means, but this is a nice image.
Its scent of apple trees in bloom
is hanging like a green halo and caught
between my highs-strung ankles – should it just be high?
For I am overturned this spring,
watching the dusk descend
down my hair – its very ends
I tied to ancient bells in bronze,
announcing summer’s
coming. There's just too much going on in this last sentence for me to really take it all in. That might just be me though; once I read it a couple of times it all made sense, but I think if you simplify the closing image it would make much more of an impact the first read through (which is all most readers will give you if they don't like it the first time).
Just my thoughts as I read your poem. It does have some nice images, but I think it could use an edit to tidy it all up.
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Messages In This Thread
Bells - by expiring_touch - 05-02-2014, 05:31 AM
RE: Bells - by Wjames - 05-02-2014, 05:51 AM
RE: Bells - by Tiger the Lion - 05-22-2014, 12:44 PM
RE: Bells - by LorettaYoung - 05-24-2014, 01:38 AM
RE: Bells - by Wjames - 05-24-2014, 06:07 AM
RE: Bells - by Erthona - 05-22-2014, 01:09 PM
RE: Bells - by QDeathstar - 05-24-2014, 10:31 AM
RE: Bells - by sstang13 - 05-25-2014, 03:14 AM
RE: Bells - by QDeathstar - 05-25-2014, 03:19 AM
RE: Bells - by Isis - 06-02-2014, 12:29 AM
RE: Bells - by SKDink55 - 06-07-2014, 03:13 AM



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