Whippoorwill (rewritten)

[tectak]

Of Whippoorwills and the Truth

I have sat on the porch on
a warm Southern night? Who wants to know? Who is asking? Why the question mark?
listened to the Whippoorwill tell me
who he is,
over and over and over? Ditto. You must use punctuation correctly
I could feel that melancholy pull from
those simple memories of my youth? What ARE you doing? This is bizarre.
The recollections of my rebellious past I can see you have re-written this but you have NOT re-read it. Why the capital T
reminding me of the time my Mama ...and if you did think that a question mark was correct after "youth" then that ends the sentence....so capital "R" on reminding...but it is incorrect syntax anyway, so this does not apply. Read it through carefully and if you do not know how to punctuate there are plenty of places to help you. Note that using the word "time" in this context implies clock-time ( eg four thirty-one) but you mean durational time (eg hours or weeks or days)
spent hoping and praying that cliche
I would one day find that
elusive buried treasure of contentment. cliche
All the times my dad tried
to show me the way and I
stubbornly shrugged my shoulders and walked away. concept cliche
Now I struggle to look myself in the eye because Who wouldn't without a metaphorical mirror? Not developed enough
I hear the Truth much more clear today,
as it imitates the Whippoorwill;
I Told You So! I Told You So! I Told You So!
Oh the bitter sweet memories of those cliche
warm Southern nights, as the Whippoorwill continues
to remind me who he is,
over and over and over. cliche cliche cliche
Just as the Truth continues to remind me,
I have more than I deserve,
over and over and over. Weak and feeble ending with an accidental translation implying that you have more than you deserve rather than more repeated reminders.
Needs work

Hi thought,
I am leaving this one here but note that you crave more in-depth critique. As it is, it is not ready for Serious Workshopping due to the presence of many basic errors. Correct it to the best of your abilities and repost in Miscellaneous.
Best,
tectak




Whippoorwill (rewritten)
hopefully an improvement.

Childhood memories of
warm southern nights;
The rhythmic squeak of the
front porch swing
in cadence with thousands of frogs,
cicadas and crickets create
a raucous cacophony of pulsating rhythm.
The whippoorwill is heard above the rest
repeating his name.
Such is the music of warm southern nights,
the harmony of life in concert with time.

Childhood memories,
Had the old man blinked?
The porch swing is gone,
along with the porch.
Asphalt lay hot in the sun,
where the shade tree once stood.
Traffic noise, horns honking and sirens
has replaced the iambic meter of the
whippoorwill.
So goes the music of warm southern nights,
the progress of man in concert with time.