Lock It Away

[billy]

hi willpark,

you start the poem with a cliche and many of the lines are very wordy in a way that gives it a mundane feeling. each stanza is saying the same thing more or less. simile and metaphor will change the pumpkins into crystal coaches. i know cage is a metaphor but it's a cliched one. get rid of any clichés, siren's call etc. interest the reader with the first line and keep them interested.

Lock It Away

Keep your heart in a box,
Hide the key and swear never to open it,
Lest you experience some pain again,

this whole stanza says

hide your heart from pain

Keep it locked in its cage,
And though its sings and yearns
For freedom and freshness,
Deny it. Imprison it for its own safety.

this one says

lock your heart up for ever, it's for your own good.

Feel its strong pull,
But pull back only stronger.
Do not give into its sweet melody,
A siren’s call, surely, luring you to doom.

Let it grow weak and old
In captivity, no longer longing
For its destined desire,
Singing sweetly no more.

Then wonder why.
And wish you hadn’t.
And realize you still have time,
And hear its fated song echoing on the horizon.