04-30-2014, 07:19 AM
I'm not sure which thread you're working off, but this was my thought;
"Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee."
I'm baffled as to why you'd split drop & ice.
First, its deeply uncomfortable from a reader perspective. Absent the object, I've already imagined you dropping in some fashion by the time I get to the ice. Once I know we're talking ice, "plunk-plunk-plink" is aurally and visually brilliant, right down to the third cube "plinking" its predecessor.
As it stands I'm first trying to figure out how "you" would plunk/plink, and when I discover the ice, its too late. You've lost the potency of an otherwise brilliant image...
BTW I love the subtle insinuation of drinking on the job .
Annnnnyyyywayyyy, just opinion. do your worst.
Overall, really fine work.
The distracted worker still oblivious even post accident is a great device for illustrating the obsessive nature of desire.
thanks t
"Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee."
I'm baffled as to why you'd split drop & ice.
First, its deeply uncomfortable from a reader perspective. Absent the object, I've already imagined you dropping in some fashion by the time I get to the ice. Once I know we're talking ice, "plunk-plunk-plink" is aurally and visually brilliant, right down to the third cube "plinking" its predecessor.
As it stands I'm first trying to figure out how "you" would plunk/plink, and when I discover the ice, its too late. You've lost the potency of an otherwise brilliant image...
BTW I love the subtle insinuation of drinking on the job .
Annnnnyyyywayyyy, just opinion. do your worst.
Overall, really fine work.
The distracted worker still oblivious even post accident is a great device for illustrating the obsessive nature of desire.
thanks t