A knight's day lost edit 0.00001 hes

[tectak]

This day, a knight was galloping Is "this day" needed?
along a broken track.
He and three were searching Amusing internal rhyme.
for a grail.
The search was long, the day was hot,
his horse was breaking stride a lot The rhythm gets lost here because of some slightly tortured grammar. Though it'll sacrifice your end rhyme (if not the rhyme itself) I'd suggest putting "and" beside "lot" and ending that line with a comma, like so:

"The search was long, the day was hot,
his horse was breaking stride a lot and,
falling back,"
and falling back,
he let out with a hail. What does it mean to let out something "with a hail"? If you're alluding to the act of hailing someone, it seems like a twisted way of saying that.
"Prithee, Knights, slow down for me;
I fear mine horse hath cast an shoe. Should that be "a shoe"?
I cannot keep the pace until
he rests awhile or has a new
shoe fitted by some farrier
we meet along the way!" Very elegant phrasing and line structure here.

Back came the shout, Should this be a colon, if it's followed by a capital?
"We'll tarry not,
but as we three are getting hot
we'll meet up where the sun shades cool, I'm not sure about the use of "shades" as a verb here, though it's not egregious.
later on today."
Our knighted friend bid them farewell
and hobbled slow along a lane.
Ahead he spied a hamlet where
the chance a farrier was there
gave rise to hope all would be well
and he would quick be back again
with his beknighted friends. Again, some elegant phrasing. It's expositional and slightly artificial in construction, but it flows well while conveying information, so it works.

And so it was, in but one hour,
his horse all ironed and running smooth,
that at fork he reigned him in, "at a fork"
with not a sign to show to him
wither or not his friends had been
along the way
...or nay. I'm sorry, but this pun is too damn awful to even work ironically
Oh such a quandary, which to choose?
The left looked steep
and with new shoes
his steed could easy slip and fall;
then pond'ring saw beyond a wall
a peasant tending to his crop.

"Hail fellow, hast thou seen this day, Ryming "day" with itself seems a bit lazy.
this merry-sent St.Crispin's day,
(for so it was, it matters not) If it doesn't matter, why mention it? Also, is this still the knight speaking to the serf? Because he refers to that day in the past tense, so it makes no sense if it is still present day dialogue. If it's a narrative comment, it needs to be in square brackets.
three knights go by, all swift of steed?
Answer man, time I've not got, The second clause of this line feels forced. Would it read better as "much time I've not"? Also, is the comma needed?
to waste whilst thou tend to your weeds."
The surf "serf", in slow considered style,
raised up himself Why not phrase this in the natural way, as "raised himself up"? and in a while,
pensive over fear of error,
meekly in respectful terror,
to the knight replied thus-wise.

"Alas fair knight, nought did I see
of these fair knights of which thou ment'sht,
but I have not the sight so keen
that certain can I be.
My hearing tells me that thine horse
is newly shod and that, of course,
should indicate that had I heard
the horses, three say you, go by,
I would have known, you have my word." This is a truly excellent verse. The rhythms and rhymes are perfectly placed, and each line conveys needed information without ever feeling forced.

The knight went left,
not knowing why, Presumably he does know why, if he took or at least acknowledged the serf's advice.
and in the distance soon did'st spy, "did'st spy"? Come on, man, you're better than that
a hunter with his barking hound,
walking over stony ground,
and soon he met with him.

"Hail fellow, hast though seen this day,
this merry-sent St.Crispin's day, Do we really need a repeat of this?
three knights go by, all swift of steed?
Speak, man, for 'tis thine help I need;
my horse, alas, hads't cast an shoe As you've used "an" twice now, I assume it's some ye olde English I haven't heard of.
thus now I'm lost, and advise you
that if thou knowest where they went
say now, or ever you'll repent
this merry-sent St.Crispins day"

The hunter, hushing down his hound, Is "down" needed?
looked guilty then, and to the ground, "and to the ground,/in trespass caught,/he muttered" might be a more elegant phrasing here.
muttered he, in trespass caught,
(and fearful he may face a fine), Is this line necessary?
thus so to please his only thought, I'm not sure that I understand this line. Why does he want to please a thought?
burbled out in double-time,
"Sirrah, fair knight, nought have I seen,
and looked I well, a hunter I, Is the second clause of this line necessary information, besides establishing a rhyme?
of wither way these knights have been,
though fair of face, n'er turned my eye. A "they" instead of the comma in this line would make it more grammatical.
Would'st that they had, forsooth thy need,
I surely woulds't their passing tell,
but nought of them, I humbly plead,
cans't I divulge, for fear of Hell." Is the comma here needed?

At this the knight tight-reined his mare
then spun her round a turn or two.
Not knowing wither way to head
his horse reared up and cast a shoe!
The hunter hasty headed home, Putting commas on either side of "hasty" will make this line flow better, I think.
his curr made off, as air turned blue. Is this comma needed?

Casting his helmet to the dust,
the knight loosed curses to the sun.
He scratched his hair, out billowed rust,
in rhetoric asked, (he was undone..)
"So where the fuck are they?" I get why you ended the poem like this, but it's too weak a joke to effectively close such a long narrative poem. It's like if The Wizard of Oz ended with Dorothy saying "where the fuck is this wiz?" Sure, it would be funny, but not funny enough to satisfy all the suspense leading up to it. (No non-sequitur gag would be funny enough to do that.) That's the point of the joke, I know. It's funny because it doesn't satisfy expectations. But it's also meaningless enough to shatter what credibility, memorability and brilliance the narrative might have had as a whole.
tectak
2014

I'm sorry if my critique was way too intense and in-depth for a "for fun" poem, but take that as a compliment: I liked it enough to really analyse it Critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you very much for the read

You and I should get together! Your crit is as seriously intense as my poem is inanely humourous! Yes, it is in fun and yes it is in mock-tudor english but I really appreciate your time and dedication. Wouldst that I couldst thine intent partake of but mine mirth is made worse by mine english piss take-of.
Sirrah!
tectak