04-29-2014, 06:26 PM
Alone
Tired Fog, Secluded Mist (secluded mist sounds wrong to me – mists are pervasive not secluded)
Droning heft of dreary dusk descends, (heft in this sense is either the american colloquialism meaning ‘heavy’ or the act of lifting something up- neither meaning seems to fit this line, and how is dusk droning, which implies making a noise? Sure it’s alliterative, but it doesn’t make sense to me)
Stars are shrouded, lights are black(lights are black makes no sense – a light by it’s nature is not black}
Dark, Heavy, Dull
Closed Doors, Closed Room, Closed House (why the capitals? Surely room should be rooms)
Dark winter’s weight falls upon an empty home
Lilting pianos wander the halls (i’m seeing pianos staggering around the halls lilting songs- surely its the music they make, not the pianos themselves wandering the halls)
Deserted, Hollow, Cold (capitals here and next line seem inappropriate)
Crumpled Trash, Clouds of Dust
(blown?)by the sharp winds,(dampened?) by the cold rains
Distant grey blocks the sky, cloaks the moon (distant grey is vague – what do you refer to here? If it’s the aforementioned fog or mist (neither of which would be distant to the viewer BTW) you should add that word in to clarify this)
Detached, Distant, Alone (repetition of distant – which with it’s dual meaning of far away and aloof doesn’t seem to go here)
Has potential I think, bit of a tidy up and it’ll be better
Thanks for the read
Marianne
Tired Fog, Secluded Mist (secluded mist sounds wrong to me – mists are pervasive not secluded)
Droning heft of dreary dusk descends, (heft in this sense is either the american colloquialism meaning ‘heavy’ or the act of lifting something up- neither meaning seems to fit this line, and how is dusk droning, which implies making a noise? Sure it’s alliterative, but it doesn’t make sense to me)
Stars are shrouded, lights are black(lights are black makes no sense – a light by it’s nature is not black}
Dark, Heavy, Dull
Closed Doors, Closed Room, Closed House (why the capitals? Surely room should be rooms)
Dark winter’s weight falls upon an empty home
Lilting pianos wander the halls (i’m seeing pianos staggering around the halls lilting songs- surely its the music they make, not the pianos themselves wandering the halls)
Deserted, Hollow, Cold (capitals here and next line seem inappropriate)
Crumpled Trash, Clouds of Dust
(blown?)by the sharp winds,(dampened?) by the cold rains
Distant grey blocks the sky, cloaks the moon (distant grey is vague – what do you refer to here? If it’s the aforementioned fog or mist (neither of which would be distant to the viewer BTW) you should add that word in to clarify this)
Detached, Distant, Alone (repetition of distant – which with it’s dual meaning of far away and aloof doesn’t seem to go here)
Has potential I think, bit of a tidy up and it’ll be better
Thanks for the read
Marianne