04-29-2014, 12:43 PM
I’ve strained and pulled; I’ve given all I can.
Yet bound in links of iron dollar signs
and forced to work these old, exhausted mines,
I’m told that this is how to be a man.
So lately, I’ve been doubting why I’m here: this works. even though it borders cliche, I think it works fine
a faithless soul who’s fated to be lost
a lifetime in a world of counting cost,
and getting by... and cowering, in fear.
But what is this that now I feel so free?
the way you touch my heart… you loose the chains
and gently peel them from their time-worn veins
to show me everything that I can be.
And now, with hope at last, my soul can see
that I belong with you, and you with me. I'm not sure how you can avoid this cliche, because the last line is central to your poem, but it's just such a classic cliche. Maybe to try to put a new spin on it?
I like this poem. I has a good meaning/message and is executed fairly well. You come close to cliches at times, so be wary of that (they've mostly been pointed out in above crits so I think you get the idea). My only main suggestion is that to avoid a cliche, all you have to do is modify the statement, or think of a creative way to express the cliched idea.
Yet bound in links of iron dollar signs
and forced to work these old, exhausted mines,
I’m told that this is how to be a man.
So lately, I’ve been doubting why I’m here: this works. even though it borders cliche, I think it works fine
a faithless soul who’s fated to be lost
a lifetime in a world of counting cost,
and getting by... and cowering, in fear.
But what is this that now I feel so free?
the way you touch my heart… you loose the chains
and gently peel them from their time-worn veins
to show me everything that I can be.
And now, with hope at last, my soul can see
that I belong with you, and you with me. I'm not sure how you can avoid this cliche, because the last line is central to your poem, but it's just such a classic cliche. Maybe to try to put a new spin on it?
I like this poem. I has a good meaning/message and is executed fairly well. You come close to cliches at times, so be wary of that (they've mostly been pointed out in above crits so I think you get the idea). My only main suggestion is that to avoid a cliche, all you have to do is modify the statement, or think of a creative way to express the cliched idea.