04-29-2014, 07:10 AM
Hi Willpark, the rhyming scheme of the poem is (for me) as bad as it gets, but thats OK, you can only get better. You need the rhyming to come over as natural, as if the rhymes happened without effort.
Watch out for cliches. slay evil, fight another day, wise men say, torn asunder.
Your first 2 verses had some clarity but all the following verses are (for me) lost to abstraction.
"corpses creep" is nonsense.
"To meet the dead and wailing tongue" is nonsense.
You need more clarity in the "whole" for it to make an impact.
hope some of this helps. JG
Watch out for cliches. slay evil, fight another day, wise men say, torn asunder.
Your first 2 verses had some clarity but all the following verses are (for me) lost to abstraction.
"corpses creep" is nonsense.
"To meet the dead and wailing tongue" is nonsense.
You need more clarity in the "whole" for it to make an impact.
hope some of this helps. JG