04-29-2014, 05:43 AM
hello,
I have little to say about this one, other than I like it. I mean, I really like it. But, that doesn't really cut much ice in a critical forum, embarrassingly.
but here goes nothing:
1. far from removing the 'your' from 'your son' I would personally add a 'leave' to make it 'and leave your wife and leave your son'.
2. (a positive/negative) do not change the 'wailing tongue' part. It is spot-on.
3. 'The rich man's blunder' although conceptually quite nice, it is a little quaint, don't you think?
4. 'the sky torn asunder' is a cliche. but to be fair, I can't improve it, so...
5. 'what war does teach...' really? you want it that way? Fuck it, the poem is overall too good for me to care about inversion.
6. a comma after 'way' in the final stanza would serve better than a full stop.
on the positive side:
pretty much everything else.
thanks.
I have little to say about this one, other than I like it. I mean, I really like it. But, that doesn't really cut much ice in a critical forum, embarrassingly.
but here goes nothing:
1. far from removing the 'your' from 'your son' I would personally add a 'leave' to make it 'and leave your wife and leave your son'.
2. (a positive/negative) do not change the 'wailing tongue' part. It is spot-on.
3. 'The rich man's blunder' although conceptually quite nice, it is a little quaint, don't you think?
4. 'the sky torn asunder' is a cliche. but to be fair, I can't improve it, so...
5. 'what war does teach...' really? you want it that way? Fuck it, the poem is overall too good for me to care about inversion.
6. a comma after 'way' in the final stanza would serve better than a full stop.
on the positive side:
pretty much everything else.
thanks.