My Shadow -edited

[Mopkins]

Lovely form. I agree that it lacks in variation, but in terms of substance I don't think you need to add any more meat; it's already very good as a cheerful little song. Just add a bit more... spice. Maybe discuss what things you'd like to do with the shadow? Or what things of the shadow you'd like to change? I dunno.

Scared of my shadow? What a laugh!
For by myself his shape is cast
and at my feet he hovers round,
so often prostrate on the ground,
that space beside to cover.

I think to stand out in the sun
and make another me is fun!This line feels rather awkward, mainly because of the "is fun".

originally those two lines were 'I think that in the sun to stand/and make another me is grand' which was worse, don't know what to do to make it any less awkward


I’ll make him male, I’ll make him sweet,I suggest separating this line from the latter two with a period/exclamation point, just to make it feel more statement-y.

good idea


I shall hover round his feet
and he shall have no other!

Mimicking mirror he shall be,
all the while he clings to me,
for by his form I am revealed,
and in myself he is concealed;
how could I want another?

Persistent consequence of light
pray that you and I not fight,Perhaps an end to the sentence would be better here? That'd make it flow nicer, I suppose

I put a comma after fight as I didn't want to start the next line with capital B on But


but dwell in synchronicity
and dualistic harmonyThis is redundant.

why do you consider 'dualistic harmony' redundant? nothing else like it is previously mentioned, and dualistic and harmony both mean different things so I'm unsure what you mean.

and I shall be your lover.

I don't think that I could expand on it - there's not much more to a shadow to write about, and there's only so many rhymes for cover/another/lover etc. still, I'll think about it.

thanks for reading and commenting, RiverNotch, it's appreciated

Marianne