He Lives To Fight Another Day

[Willpark]

I would remove the "your" from your son... Leaving it as "your wife and son". I agree that savaged body should be changed as well. Although I do like " to mend your mind, come undone" as your referring to the state of the mind.

Hi, thank you for the critique. I had wrestled with removing the second "your" as you suggested, but I wanted to maintain a metrical balance in the stanzas. Do you think there is a better way to do this?

---

Note: I can't get the format right in this post, but the second and fourth line of each stanza should be indented.

He Lives to Fight Another Day

Why must you return to her?
​ Does she sing with Siren’s lure?
Or hold for you some unknown cure
​To heal your life, lived impure?

Why, my father, do you run
​ And leave your wife and your son?
Or are you searching for someone,
​To mend you mind, come undone? ----------------------------- To mend your mind or come undone?

And must I too now go among,
​The savaged body and drowning lung?-------------------------- ravaged body
Must I too now go so young,
​To meet the dead and wailing tongue? --------------------------If a tongue is dead, how can it wail?

And here I fight the rich man’s blunder,--------------------------------Did you mean face the rich man's blunder?
​And see the sky torn asunder.
As corpses creep I can’t help but wonder, -----------------------------corpses?
​When will I be sent down under?

In this way we always turn
​As bodies rot beneath the fern,
To feel her sting and biting burn.
​What War does teach, can we not learn?

Tell me why we turn this way.
​To fight the beast and evil slay? --------------------------------Is this part of the question
And how in peace can wise men say,
​He lives to fight another day.------------------------------------This brings up a good question: If you use quotation marks here, could the cliche be forgivable?

This seems to begin as a family struggle and maybe a comparison of this family feud to a war in the end. You may be trying to explain/express too much at once here. I say this because I'm guilty of it too. But here we are, both of us in the best Poetry Site, with the best opportunity to learn.
Keep on writing my friend, there will be others coming along soon to teach us both something.
R.T.

Thank you for this. I now see some areas where I should work. I have a follow-up question though: in line 11, I meant the dead people and the wailing tongue of those people either dying or in some kind of eternal torment. Any suggestions as to how to express is more clearly? Thanks.