04-28-2014, 11:26 AM
That daytime rebel holding lantern bright
Is not so mad as first he may appear. why not "as he may first appear"
The hidden Future still could prove him right,
Now God is Dead and nought but Chance is here.
The second line reads very unnaturally for me. It feels out of tempo with the first line, so consider rewording/rephrasing it. I feel like the first line could use some tweaking as well, mainly with its flow Other than that, I really like the idea and the last two lines flow pretty nicely.
Is not so mad as first he may appear. why not "as he may first appear"
The hidden Future still could prove him right,
Now God is Dead and nought but Chance is here.
The second line reads very unnaturally for me. It feels out of tempo with the first line, so consider rewording/rephrasing it. I feel like the first line could use some tweaking as well, mainly with its flow Other than that, I really like the idea and the last two lines flow pretty nicely.