04-28-2014, 11:21 AM
It's been a mere twenty minutes on this slow and painful day,
While the clock undwinds torture, and fails to fade away. This starts to feel a bit long
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood--
My pocket's starving too, you see
Until I learn a skilled trade
Exchanging blood for gasoline
I will try to avoid saying what others have already written- You should cut the middle stanza out, it is empty and doesn't add anything to the poem. Also, the second line feels a bit long, maybe cut up the first two lines into four. The last two lines are interesting, I suggest you expand on those. You have a good idea, and now need to work on execution. Please expand this poem because I feel like it can be great.
While the clock undwinds torture, and fails to fade away. This starts to feel a bit long
Surrounded by food, but not in the mood--
My pocket's starving too, you see
Until I learn a skilled trade
Exchanging blood for gasoline
I will try to avoid saying what others have already written- You should cut the middle stanza out, it is empty and doesn't add anything to the poem. Also, the second line feels a bit long, maybe cut up the first two lines into four. The last two lines are interesting, I suggest you expand on those. You have a good idea, and now need to work on execution. Please expand this poem because I feel like it can be great.