04-28-2014, 11:15 AM
Standing in the Ocean
I eat my hair
In the sea of loneliness This is a big cliche. Try to avoid things like this
Staring at the shore of solitude Okay, but a bit repetitive
The rain cries in the heat
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul. this is a very good line
This is a short poem, clearly. But you still need to convey a message to the reader in your writing. I leave this poem confused, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I feel as if the the middle two lines about the sea of loneliness and the shore of solitude is a bit odd and out of place, kind of like a filler. The last line is great. I think you should focus and expand on the ideas from that line. The beginning and middle feel confusing and empty, while the last line is full of promise and ideas.
I eat my hair
In the sea of loneliness This is a big cliche. Try to avoid things like this
Staring at the shore of solitude Okay, but a bit repetitive
The rain cries in the heat
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul. this is a very good line
This is a short poem, clearly. But you still need to convey a message to the reader in your writing. I leave this poem confused, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I feel as if the the middle two lines about the sea of loneliness and the shore of solitude is a bit odd and out of place, kind of like a filler. The last line is great. I think you should focus and expand on the ideas from that line. The beginning and middle feel confusing and empty, while the last line is full of promise and ideas.