Noire

[71degrees]

Not dark; dreamy

“Have you ever?” she asks.
No reply. No echo, either.


Boston; a song

Amidst mindless confusion;
more than a feeling.


Devil-May-Care

Sometimes, we watch different
sunsets from the same window. LOVE THESE TWO LINES!!!


[b]Chivalry

Once she tricked me
into believing what moves
in me should be saved,
if only I should hold on.


Four O’clock

She checks her iPhone; something
is missing, something too important
to overlook. Her heart skips a beat.
I can see it.


Modern Tragedy

When she cries, her tears
are yesterday’s snow;
all going to the place
they melt to.

Fragments

decisions; like a flower
shedding petals[/b]ANOTHER GREAT LINE

one morning before dawn,
you sang to me

we can laugh in a pew, can’t we
love, before we pray?


Gong fu

Under foreign leaves, while children sleep,
we rouse each other and brew tea.


Declaration of Love

Whisper, she says, kisses
my cheek; it is so cold this day,
her lips imprint on my skin.

I rub it for luck.

I can clearly see this is a love poem of some kind, but am not sure if it is a tragic one or a happy one. The mood of the poem is very sombre. I've always read that if a poem is so abstract that the reader cannot figure out what the writer is trying to say, that you might as well as not written the poem. Obviously I could just be missing something, but it frustrates me when I read a poem that has a lot of REALLY awesome lines but I don't quite see how they connect to each other. Would it be possible for you to maybe find a thread or phrase that follows through the whole poem to help guide the reader? If I were you, I would take some of the lines you have in this poem and start other ones with them. A lot of great starters!

Have never met a love story that is not both happy and tragic along the way somewhere and/or somehow. Thanks for your comments. I think you closer to understanding this than you know.

---

I keep coming back to this. It intrigues me, but I wanted to let it marinate a while.

The format serves this poem well..like a pastiche that gives a pretty comprehensive overview of the subject. And a sympathetic one. I can understand how this is a love poem.

It is fragmented, but feels cohesive..unified by the strong, dark personality of this mysterious girl.

As a reader, I don't feel like I have to fully understand all the esoteric references. It adds to the wonder a bit. But I do appreciate the random pop culture/religious/mythological imagery. Expertly incorporated.

Not dark; dreamy

“Have you ever?” she asks.
No reply. No echo, either.


Boston; a song

Amidst mindless confusion;
more than a feeling.


Devil-May-Care

Sometimes, we watch different
sunsets from the same window. The sensibility reminds me of haiku or tanka


Chivalry

Once she tricked me
into believing what moves
in me should be saved,
if only I should hold on. Clever, considering the subtitle


Four O’clock

She checks her iPhone; something
is missing, something too important
to overlook. Her heart skips a beat.
I can see it. A mysterious passage. The intensity is almost palpable


Modern Tragedy

When she cries, her tears
are yesterday’s snow;
all going to the place
they melt to. I wonder if you need the final preposition "to"?

Fragments

decisions; like a flower
shedding petals Almost a haiku

one morning before dawn,
you sang to me

we can laugh in a pew, can’t we
love, before we pray? Curiously lovely verses


Gong fu

Under foreign leaves, while children sleep,
we rouse each other and brew tea. Foreign leaves..a great phrase


Declaration of Love

Whisper, she says, kisses
my cheek; it is so cold this day,
her lips imprint on my skin. Beautifully vivid lines. Relatable

I rub it for luck. Perfect ending. I almost get the impression that this girl is a pseudo-messianic figure..her suffering brings relief to the narrator somehow.

This is one of the most interesting poems I've read in a while. Wholly original.

Your words are kind, supportive, and you are now my hero. I do not need the "to" on end of Modern Tragedy. Shame on me for even putting it there and thanks to you for catching it.

I have known this woman almost 30 years...these poems are snippets of a lifetime. The last one is a published poem all on its own, as are parts of others (Gong fu, for example). I'm not nearly finished here, but your words encourage me to continue.