2 Samuel 11, edit3

[AnywherebutHere]

David

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink, I like the dumb angel part, it's interesting
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee.
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering first ned tries winter on the tarmac, now he is centering the chains, I feel you can do without repeating what ned is doing on the tarmac
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking, I like the phrase gentler kings
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December's

wrath. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. the beginning of this sounds odd Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
She took
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Damn her.
I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look
at me. This is where I get a bit lost. I don't get it, who is she? I think you should be more clear. As well as talking with long pauses and periods, unnecessary to make an impact.

["She took" is meant to be indented to past the previous lines "that's all.," but I couldn't figure out how to make that happen. Also, "I want" is meant to be indented to past "Damn her."]

this was an interesting poem, however I was a bit lost at what the story was. I read it over and understood it then. I feel you can do more with description as to what happened to ned and who he is trying to impress.