04-27-2014, 09:48 AM
This piece is discursively dense, somewhat artfully rambling, building on a kind of straight-faced satirical impetus through repetition, among other devices.
I felt you achieved this style most strongly in the second-to-last stanza, and least strongly in the final stanza, which seemed off topic, or at least like it slipped the rambling that carried the rest of the piece. The rest is explained in exhaustive detail, this final stanza, not so much.
My favorite stanza:
I like the way this stanza is both obtusely repetitive (e.g. carrying appositive tags that we don't really need: my friend "who was in the movie") and torturous in its subordination--"having felt the brunt of having to afford the penalty"). That last is actually my favorite line--I think it captures what's working, for me, in this style. It reminds me of Gregory Corso or, more recently, Tao Lin, whose "you are a little bit happier than i am" is more than a little bit fantastic, in this same vein.
I felt you achieved this style most strongly in the second-to-last stanza, and least strongly in the final stanza, which seemed off topic, or at least like it slipped the rambling that carried the rest of the piece. The rest is explained in exhaustive detail, this final stanza, not so much.
My favorite stanza:
Quote:And since I didn't have the money myself to pay off the ticket
and my parents were made to pay it,
my parents, having felt the brunt of having to afford the penalty,
were seen by the parents of my friend who was in the movie
as not only bad and irresponsible parents but as bad people in general,
and my friend was never allowed to see me again.
I like the way this stanza is both obtusely repetitive (e.g. carrying appositive tags that we don't really need: my friend "who was in the movie") and torturous in its subordination--"having felt the brunt of having to afford the penalty"). That last is actually my favorite line--I think it captures what's working, for me, in this style. It reminds me of Gregory Corso or, more recently, Tao Lin, whose "you are a little bit happier than i am" is more than a little bit fantastic, in this same vein.