04-26-2014, 02:48 PM
To the House on the Hill
An Ode
Oh lonely hillside silhouette, (the silhouette is on the side of the hill here)
you perch atop that hill, and yet(yet here the silhouette is atop the hill)
although you may seem very small
within my mind, you’re not at all
For from afar, I gaze at you
and wishing I could be there too, (either lose the starting and, or make it ‘and wish that I could be there too’)
to lie upon that lonely top (presumably you mean the top of the hill, or the roof of the house, though it seems to refer to the top of the silhouette of the house)
and beg the world around me, stop!
Oh! noise and hubbub, let you cease!
Be gone you clatter, I long for peace.
Yes, distance is a calming space, (distance is not a space, but a state of being far away from another point, so to me this makes no sense perhaps, ‘yet distant is your calming space’)
so far, so high, on your hilltop place
So as I pace my life long through (‘life long through’ doesn’t make sense to me – i would have used’ my long life through’)
and act my part, as is my due,
my heart is with your rooftop view (so you’re not at the house but it’s dear to your heart)
where, silhouette, you’ll find me too (now suddenly you’re at the house!!)
Nice idea, nice rhythm, bit of an edit and it’ll be even better. Thanks for the read
Marianne
An Ode
Oh lonely hillside silhouette, (the silhouette is on the side of the hill here)
you perch atop that hill, and yet(yet here the silhouette is atop the hill)
although you may seem very small
within my mind, you’re not at all
For from afar, I gaze at you
and wishing I could be there too, (either lose the starting and, or make it ‘and wish that I could be there too’)
to lie upon that lonely top (presumably you mean the top of the hill, or the roof of the house, though it seems to refer to the top of the silhouette of the house)
and beg the world around me, stop!
Oh! noise and hubbub, let you cease!
Be gone you clatter, I long for peace.
Yes, distance is a calming space, (distance is not a space, but a state of being far away from another point, so to me this makes no sense perhaps, ‘yet distant is your calming space’)
so far, so high, on your hilltop place
So as I pace my life long through (‘life long through’ doesn’t make sense to me – i would have used’ my long life through’)
and act my part, as is my due,
my heart is with your rooftop view (so you’re not at the house but it’s dear to your heart)
where, silhouette, you’ll find me too (now suddenly you’re at the house!!)
Nice idea, nice rhythm, bit of an edit and it’ll be even better. Thanks for the read
Marianne