Brain Wash

[RSaba]

This is something I very recently written, and hopefully it's better than my previous works. While writing this I considered all the advice I've been given on my previous posts, so this should be more pleasing to read. However, I do believe there is much room to improve (ending seems weak to me, for instance) so here it is:

Since many have mentioned that this piece is inconsistent in its grammar/punctuation style, I'm going to continue along that line and show you where some of these inconsistencies are.

Brain Wash (not sure about the title) How about Brain Washed?

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracks
obscuring my senses
Alright, so in this stanza you have established one style: no punctuation, but still full sentences and capitalizing I. That is a legitimate style. However, it makes this feel halted and disconnected, and I think that these thoughts need to be in full and proper format to really be read as they are presented. I also corrected/edited a few minor things (in italics).This is what that would look like:

Blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound, (not sure about "monumental," it doesn't really say much).
as a train would
as I am bound to the tracks,
obscuring my senses. (I would prefer "my senses obscured" here, but that's your call).

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought
a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”
This is where the inconsistency became apparent: with the lines in quotation marks, and the capitalization of "Speaker." Those two parts are just plain awkward. Revised:

I sit with an audience
under dim lighting.
Consoling music hums,
sweeping my thoughts.
A persistent speaker
from the hierarchical stage (I'm sorry, but- "hierarchical?" Makes zero sense)
cries out,
“We are united. Believe
in me, I have the power.”

no more blinding horns
to take my sight
now I awake with law
binding only life
No more blinding horns (how are horns blinding? Maybe lights?)
to take away my sight.
Now I wake with law
binding only life. (this last sentence makes zero sense, so you'll have to fix that yourself. You have the right idea structurally though).

I know that this is a lot. But I think you'll find that if you clean the poem up as such, then you'll be able to look at the writing itself more critically. Good luck!