04-25-2014, 05:49 PM
Brain Wash (not sure about the title)
--get sure. the title is often crucial to the meaning of a poem, and it's rarely irrelevant. being unsure of a title equates to the rest of the poem being unleavened.
blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
--nice. I'm immediately in the setting, and I'm immediately having to grapple with a strange idea.
--that said, both "blaring" and "my eyes" are redundant. Test the immediacy of "blinding car horns," to see if you agree.
I only feel the rush
--there's no question that "only" is misplaced. You want "I feel only the rush"
of a monumental sound
--"monumental" is, to quote Bernstein, an "atomic flyswatter." Like "awesome" or "terrific," it just means "very very." Reading a poem, I search for more meaning, and "monumental" means something like "worthy of a statue." That's not what you mean, I don't think
like a train would
--trains don't search for sound
as I'm bounded to the tracks
--"bounded" means "jumped"
obscuring my senses
--the cause if the action "obscuring" is, itself, obscure
I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
--dimmed is redundant with "low"
consoling music hums
--music and hums are somewhat redundant
sweeping my thought
--"sweeping," as used here, would mean "completely occupying"
a Speaker now persistent
--why the cap?
from the hierarchical stage
--I'm fine w hierarchical, but stage is a new idea--are we in a theater?
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”
--the material in quotes is orphaned. That is, I can't id the speaker
no more blinding horns
--see! This is the direct, immediate phrasing
to take my sight
--redundant with "blinding"
now I awake with law
--awake doesn't follow from blinding
binding only life
--this doesn't follow from what precedes it
Macro. So here's what I think happened, and why I think you should keep going w this. You have several ideas going on at once:
1. The immediate and bewildering sensory experience of a car crash and an arrest,
2. Notions of authority and the role of an individual in society, and
3. The immediate cognitive experience of grappling with the irrevocable .
All of those ideas work, but they're mashed up. Make each legible and then spit the poem again, is what I think.
--get sure. the title is often crucial to the meaning of a poem, and it's rarely irrelevant. being unsure of a title equates to the rest of the poem being unleavened.
blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
--nice. I'm immediately in the setting, and I'm immediately having to grapple with a strange idea.
--that said, both "blaring" and "my eyes" are redundant. Test the immediacy of "blinding car horns," to see if you agree.
I only feel the rush
--there's no question that "only" is misplaced. You want "I feel only the rush"
of a monumental sound
--"monumental" is, to quote Bernstein, an "atomic flyswatter." Like "awesome" or "terrific," it just means "very very." Reading a poem, I search for more meaning, and "monumental" means something like "worthy of a statue." That's not what you mean, I don't think
like a train would
--trains don't search for sound
as I'm bounded to the tracks
--"bounded" means "jumped"
obscuring my senses
--the cause if the action "obscuring" is, itself, obscure
I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
--dimmed is redundant with "low"
consoling music hums
--music and hums are somewhat redundant
sweeping my thought
--"sweeping," as used here, would mean "completely occupying"
a Speaker now persistent
--why the cap?
from the hierarchical stage
--I'm fine w hierarchical, but stage is a new idea--are we in a theater?
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”
--the material in quotes is orphaned. That is, I can't id the speaker
no more blinding horns
--see! This is the direct, immediate phrasing
to take my sight
--redundant with "blinding"
now I awake with law
--awake doesn't follow from blinding
binding only life
--this doesn't follow from what precedes it
Macro. So here's what I think happened, and why I think you should keep going w this. You have several ideas going on at once:
1. The immediate and bewildering sensory experience of a car crash and an arrest,
2. Notions of authority and the role of an individual in society, and
3. The immediate cognitive experience of grappling with the irrevocable .
All of those ideas work, but they're mashed up. Make each legible and then spit the poem again, is what I think.