04-25-2014, 02:02 PM
Until we met I did not know anything was missing.
Although I looked, I did not see. (vague this and the next line could both go without leaving a hole as neither add much and foolish to look doesn’t seem to go))
It was really quite foolish of me – still,
I felt complete, needing nothing else… yet,
in an unguarded instant your image(was) seared (onto)my mind
–branding me– on that day when we first met.
On that day, you offered me a shy and unsure smile, (an offering of a smile seems a little odd did she smile or merely offer to)
making me ache to ask you to stay, ( nice assonance, ache,ask,stay)
please – stay awhile, and let me put your mind at ease. (This line goes nicely with ‘unsure’ but to me it’s not clear what she’s unsure about, still it doesn’t really matter))
Now, when I look into my mind
you are there looking back at me:
a questioning look upon your face,
and the frightening thing is when I see you there
you do not seem at all out of place. (at all superfluous)
I haven't done well with love,
we seem to share an enmity –
one for the other, love and me.
The only woman I ever opened my heart for – died! (hyphen and exclaimation point seem overdramatic to me )
Maybe she took that part with her when she went,
I have been content with my monastic-like life. (monastic-like seems awkward tho it makes the point ‘celibate’ may not convey the idea of solitude that the following hermit implies – have no better suggestions, just seems a bit clunky)
I have been a hermit, surrounded by the multitude of sound (sound should be plural i think)
yet the noisiness of it never reached my ears.
I was content…at least at peace or so I thought!
I owed no one anything my will could not be sold or bought. (irrelevant filler)
Yes, I am sure I was content, even though
I was not where I thought someone like me, (lose end comma)
should be at this point, in his life; (lose comma)
starting over once again,
no longer a young or vigorous man.
Life and disappointment had beaten me down. (to me, beaten me down is a bit old)
Yes I admit it now, I had given up completely—
ceding to life the victory without a thought—
before a battle could be fought.
Starting over at an age where gray now streaked my hair, (maybe when not where and lose ‘now’)
at an age when those things that had once been
so important to me back then, I now let go of easily.
I no longer had the strength in me, too care, to care. (lose – ‘, too care,’)
What had once lived in me no longer lived there.
It seems unfair yet it is just (that) life is not merciful; (so life is unmerciful... yet in the next line it’s an abundant giver or relentless creditor as you have it – which also makes me think of debt collectors)
we need not fuss for life is ever the relentless creditor!
Still, or so I thought I was content with my lot (I’d lose or so)
being within the safe bastion of academia once more.
So now what is this, I know you are not for me.
Why then do you caress my arm when we meet,
and seemingly search out my eyes so desperately,
birthing love that should not be—begotten— (i’d lose middle hypen)
stirring up passion’s haunted echoes
from a life long dead and best forgotten! (to me, this implies someone is now long dead, can’t be her or him)
Hi Dale,
Overall I liked it, though it seems a little odd that he still thinks she’s not for him though ceding something is missing and admitting he’s not content . Would have liked to have seen it end more decisively – does he choose to return the love she shows him or not in the end? To me, it read quite smoothly and apart from the petty things I’ve pointed out, I don’t see much wrong with it. Good job
Marianne
Although I looked, I did not see. (vague this and the next line could both go without leaving a hole as neither add much and foolish to look doesn’t seem to go))
It was really quite foolish of me – still,
I felt complete, needing nothing else… yet,
in an unguarded instant your image(was) seared (onto)my mind
–branding me– on that day when we first met.
On that day, you offered me a shy and unsure smile, (an offering of a smile seems a little odd did she smile or merely offer to)
making me ache to ask you to stay, ( nice assonance, ache,ask,stay)
please – stay awhile, and let me put your mind at ease. (This line goes nicely with ‘unsure’ but to me it’s not clear what she’s unsure about, still it doesn’t really matter))
Now, when I look into my mind
you are there looking back at me:
a questioning look upon your face,
and the frightening thing is when I see you there
you do not seem at all out of place. (at all superfluous)
I haven't done well with love,
we seem to share an enmity –
one for the other, love and me.
The only woman I ever opened my heart for – died! (hyphen and exclaimation point seem overdramatic to me )
Maybe she took that part with her when she went,
I have been content with my monastic-like life. (monastic-like seems awkward tho it makes the point ‘celibate’ may not convey the idea of solitude that the following hermit implies – have no better suggestions, just seems a bit clunky)
I have been a hermit, surrounded by the multitude of sound (sound should be plural i think)
yet the noisiness of it never reached my ears.
I was content…at least at peace or so I thought!
I owed no one anything my will could not be sold or bought. (irrelevant filler)
Yes, I am sure I was content, even though
I was not where I thought someone like me, (lose end comma)
should be at this point, in his life; (lose comma)
starting over once again,
no longer a young or vigorous man.
Life and disappointment had beaten me down. (to me, beaten me down is a bit old)
Yes I admit it now, I had given up completely—
ceding to life the victory without a thought—
before a battle could be fought.
Starting over at an age where gray now streaked my hair, (maybe when not where and lose ‘now’)
at an age when those things that had once been
so important to me back then, I now let go of easily.
I no longer had the strength in me, too care, to care. (lose – ‘, too care,’)
What had once lived in me no longer lived there.
It seems unfair yet it is just (that) life is not merciful; (so life is unmerciful... yet in the next line it’s an abundant giver or relentless creditor as you have it – which also makes me think of debt collectors)
we need not fuss for life is ever the relentless creditor!
Still, or so I thought I was content with my lot (I’d lose or so)
being within the safe bastion of academia once more.
So now what is this, I know you are not for me.
Why then do you caress my arm when we meet,
and seemingly search out my eyes so desperately,
birthing love that should not be—begotten— (i’d lose middle hypen)
stirring up passion’s haunted echoes
from a life long dead and best forgotten! (to me, this implies someone is now long dead, can’t be her or him)
Hi Dale,
Overall I liked it, though it seems a little odd that he still thinks she’s not for him though ceding something is missing and admitting he’s not content . Would have liked to have seen it end more decisively – does he choose to return the love she shows him or not in the end? To me, it read quite smoothly and apart from the petty things I’ve pointed out, I don’t see much wrong with it. Good job
Marianne