The Daimon -edited

[ellajam]

hello and thanks for taking the time to crit this. It's still a very rough draft, as I only finished it the other night, and I'm useless at editing fresh work, so all input is welcome and appreciated. You make a good point about the form, I'm so used to writing everything in 14 syllable lines that it didn't occur to me that it may not be appropriate. Meters not my strong point either, I'm still a newb when it come to scanning my work... so your comments about that are appreciated.

Cheers


Marianne

I don't think the problem is line length so much as rhyme scheme. I'm just learning forms myself and am finding abab to be more adaptable to mood. It takes me longer, with more shuffling around of bits of lines, but the end result seems tighter, more intricate, and can go serious or light. I'm not saying aabb can't, just letting you on to what I've been finding for myself.

To your poem, maybe if you changed all those "you"s and "your"s it would sound less preachy. I don't mind the rhyme scheme as I like my good and evil battle with a shrug and giggle. I'm sure you could do some good work with this, good luck with it.