2 Samuel 11, edit3

[RSaba]

I like how this starts out calm and descriptive and escalated to that really strong emotion at the end, where the language gets simpler... the shift from the first stanza to the second works really well.
As for indenting, I think you could just do it by holding down the space bar 'til the line is in the right place? I like the idea of those indentations, it would set the second stanza even further apart from the first.
Here are a few suggestions/comments. Take what you will.

David

Down on the tarmac, Ned tries winter,
that dumb angel. I drop, plunk-plunk-plink,
ice into my 8 oz. cup of coffee. This sentence feels a bit awkward- maybe put "ice" after "drop" instead?
Down on the tarmac, Ned tries centering Using "tries" again... I like it better the way it's used in this line than in the first line. Having both seems redundant, although mostly because it doesn't paint a clear picture in the first line.
the chains behind the forklift. Gentler kings
than me paraded criminals, clinking, I really like this whole sentence, and it stands out from the rest of the stanza because of the sudden, somewhat majestic-feeling metaphor. It's a cool image. I sort of played with the idea of putting "clinking" ahead of criminals, which sounds cool because of the alliteration without the comma, but it works nicely the way it is as well.
out of harm's way. I’m distracted by stirring.
Ned signals, “Now!,” and we see December

sucks. No savior slides the frozen chocks
from where they wrapped around the gear and lodged
in the worst way. Ned gets yanked up hard.
I call, “Reverse!,” and that’s all.
She took There's a bit of a leap to this part... when I read it, I first wondered "What does this have to do with the rest?" Then I re-read it and tied "distracted" in with these thoughts. But still, I feel like there must be some other way to make this connect to the rest of the piece. These last few lines are powerfully put but their irrelevancy to the rest of the poem weakens them.
my hothouse roses. Laughed at my jokes.
Fuck her.
I want . . . her . . . to hate me, to look Not a fan of the ellipses, especially not both. But I understand you want a deliberate pause around "her." Maybe there's another way to do that? I was thinking of having "I want her" as one whole line, especially since those three words on their own have yet another meaning.
at me.

["She took" is meant to be indented to past the previous lines "that's all.," but I couldn't figure out how to make that happen. Also, "I want" is meant to be indented to past "Fuck her."]

Hope this all makes sense/helps. Great write, I enjoyed it!