04-23-2014, 12:00 PM
Above a freeway I stand— This just sounds a bit awkward structurally. I would prefer the poem bringing the reader in with imagery, letting the reader know that the narrator is above the freeway without saying it. Remember, show, don't tell.
281 to be exact—
watching dozens of bright lights
approach and pass.
It’s mid-April now,
it’s been four months,
the pain does not fade. I didn't think the "and" or the "yet" were that essential
I want it to end
But know it won’t
and against my will,
fresh tears begin anew.
I edge forward,
ready to embrace my finiteness,
then an image of you supplants itself think "then" works better
in my mind.
And I step away,
realizing that
despite my sorrow,
despite my pain,
You make my life
You mentioned that this is rough and unpolished so I didn't want to go crazy on edits. I primarily looked at simple structure things and stuff in my quick edit above. I don't really like going through line by line and making harsh edits because this is novice critic and I think you should shape the poem, not me. As said over and over on this website (or any poetry forum/class for that matter), avoid clichés. The last line is a bit cringe worthy, that is a strong emotion and feeling to have, but it can be poetically explained much better and has been explained better. Let the reader in and don't veil this story so much, why is this person the essence of this persons life? This poem may make perfect sense to you, but to your reader, it comes across a bit vague.
I'm not much of the critic but I thought maybe that would help you out a bit! Hopeless love can make for a great poem if written well, you can do it.
Cheers and take care.
Cameron Stacy
281 to be exact—
watching dozens of bright lights
approach and pass.
It’s mid-April now,
it’s been four months,
the pain does not fade. I didn't think the "and" or the "yet" were that essential
I want it to end
But know it won’t
and against my will,
fresh tears begin anew.
I edge forward,
ready to embrace my finiteness,
then an image of you supplants itself think "then" works better
in my mind.
And I step away,
realizing that
despite my sorrow,
despite my pain,
You make my life
You mentioned that this is rough and unpolished so I didn't want to go crazy on edits. I primarily looked at simple structure things and stuff in my quick edit above. I don't really like going through line by line and making harsh edits because this is novice critic and I think you should shape the poem, not me. As said over and over on this website (or any poetry forum/class for that matter), avoid clichés. The last line is a bit cringe worthy, that is a strong emotion and feeling to have, but it can be poetically explained much better and has been explained better. Let the reader in and don't veil this story so much, why is this person the essence of this persons life? This poem may make perfect sense to you, but to your reader, it comes across a bit vague.
I'm not much of the critic but I thought maybe that would help you out a bit! Hopeless love can make for a great poem if written well, you can do it.
Cheers and take care.
Cameron Stacy