Through the Storm

[Todd]

Hi, haven't read the comments so I apologize if any of this is redundant. Here goes:

--I wish you hadn't mentioned Kubler-Ross up front. I can't be sure whether I would have picked it up or not. I'll try to work without that knowledge.

Through the Storm

I

Heavy perfume of crushed roses and tulips
blankets my nose as pruned lips meet my cheek,--A couple things, I'm not a big fan of passive voice here. I also feel that the modifiers might be hindering the piece. Heavy seems weak. Blankets later gives a sense of heaviness in and of itself
whispering that everything will be okay.
I dive down the depths of my pocket
and pull out my mother's tumor.--this part to the end of the strophe is interesting.
It throbs in my hand as I watch--Kind of a tell-tale heart thing. Nice
a red rivulet over my blue veins
as it races down my forearm,
pressing the pavement with a roseate stamp.--Roseate is a nice touch since you lead with crushed earlier and it provides a contrast.


II

Hot white strokes upset the black sky to--I'd rather you break on sky here. The break on "to" is weak
thunderous boos and dribbling murmurs.--boos makes this a bit more comic than you may want, at least to me
Heaving breaths enter the pistons in my lungs,--I'd rather see you find a way to have the pistons image show the heaving breaths rather than the adjective
combusting a rage that no downpour can put out.--a little melodramatic
My toes eclipse the lip of the lake that my Mom took me to--Again perhaps break the line on lake, cut the final phrase and change she to Mom in the next line
when she gave me a RC boat three Christmases ago.
I scream over the thunder as I skip my bible across the lake,--I scream over the thunder feels too wordy here. Starting with the bible image does more for you alone
it rides the storming waves
until I unabashedly watch it sink.--Again the modifier weighs down the line. It's too telling. Find a way to let the action show "unabashedly"


III

***Bargaining, have yet to create this stanza***

IV

Last Spring, a beautiful black bird dipped in ink--"beautiful" is a throwaway word like unique or special. black bird dipped in ink though is interesting. Spring should be lowercase.
would perch on our kitchen windowsill every day.--Is every day even necessary for the point of the line
My Mom would feed it seeds and laugh as the bird--this break could use some work maybe pull up trilled or alternatively end on laugh
trilled along the her humming.--the should be with
I think the same bird tried to visit today.
My eager fingers tried to lift the dusty window to let him in--eager is yet another modifier that should be incorporated into the action not told
but my dad came into the kitchen, teetering with--came into should simply be replaced with teetered for economy. Probably cut with and end the line on kitchen. Just a thought
a glass bottle in his hand. His heavy breath
and fist met my already hued face--seems abrupt, and there has to be a better option than "my already hued face".
until he wobbled back to his room.
I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror,
a flowing river through violaceous hills,--These lines feel a bit wordy, condense
my eyes dense like a raven.--maybe raven's, but either way cool line. I like this line a lot.


V

I graduated from high school today, I cheered--Condense the prose elements of the narrative to more of their essence. Get to the point sooner
as I threw my cap into the heavens,
proudly watching it sway back to the ground.--proudly again needs to be captured some way in the action
I assure my friends that I will be at their parties
in a little while, I have to do something.--These two lines are more prose transition and steal the emotional power from the scene
I exit my car and teeter towards my Mom's tombstone,--Why is the car necessary. If this were fiction I'd say "jump cut"
it's been a little while since I have visited her last.--Not necessary filler, go to the next line
I tell her that I graduated and I will be going to college in the fall.--look for economy. You could easily cut everything up to the third "I"
I place a bouquet of roses and tulips against the stone that soaks in the sun.
A tiny fledging with feathers of the night battles the wind and loses,--These lines are a little too heavy handed in their symmetry.
fluttering until finally perching atop of my Mom's gravestone.
An incandescent smile spreads as a tear falls onto the grass.--Same comment as before "incandescent" needs to be shown.

You have some interesting lines here, and I hope the comments are helpful to you. I like the idea of the bird, the ravens eye and the imagery you play with there. I think your main problems here are the flat transitions and the modifiers.

It's an interesting concept for a poem, and I look forward to seeing how you develop it.

Best,

Todd