04-22-2014, 10:58 AM
Hey, good on ya for taking all that feedback and doing something with it. This is already so much better, and I can tell you took the feedback seriously in this rewrite.
I think the next step for you would be to take each sentence within the poem and just write it out to make sure it reads the way you want it to. Sometimes syntax can get lost in poetic structure. For instance, your 2nd stanza is written as all one sentence. Here it is just by itself: "One was the night, it held me prisoner, so despicable and unkind, I trembled in silence, it was all here, all mine."
Stretched out like that, the awkward bits become apparent. I would suggest turning it into something along these lines: "One was the night- it held me prisoner, despicable and kind, trembling in silence. It was all here, all mine."
Then you stick it back into the poem's format, and you have this:
"One was the night-
it held me prisoner,
despicable and kind,
trembling in silence.
It was all here, all mine."
That makes the stanza cleaner and smoother to read, while still using the same words.
Hope that helps! It's always a good thing to do when editing poetry.
Like I said, I'm impressed that you took all the feedback and used it, instead of running from it like many do. Welcome to PPP!
I think the next step for you would be to take each sentence within the poem and just write it out to make sure it reads the way you want it to. Sometimes syntax can get lost in poetic structure. For instance, your 2nd stanza is written as all one sentence. Here it is just by itself: "One was the night, it held me prisoner, so despicable and unkind, I trembled in silence, it was all here, all mine."
Stretched out like that, the awkward bits become apparent. I would suggest turning it into something along these lines: "One was the night- it held me prisoner, despicable and kind, trembling in silence. It was all here, all mine."
Then you stick it back into the poem's format, and you have this:
"One was the night-
it held me prisoner,
despicable and kind,
trembling in silence.
It was all here, all mine."
That makes the stanza cleaner and smoother to read, while still using the same words.
Hope that helps! It's always a good thing to do when editing poetry.
Like I said, I'm impressed that you took all the feedback and used it, instead of running from it like many do. Welcome to PPP!
Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first. 
