04-22-2014, 07:48 AM
Hey Robert,
I agree with Erthona on the caps thing. If you just capitalize the beginnings of where the sentences start, it will make the piece flow better when read.
I like the stanza breaks, and I think your first line is a good introduction to the rest. Thanks for keeping the water metaphor all the way through. However, some of the metaphors within this fall flat- for instance, the fish. Good idea, but unclear what exactly these fish are meant to represent.
"Sometimes I watch people gaze into me
And wonder if they guess at what lies beneath"
That's an example of a good, clear use of the water metaphor. The 2 lines after this, however, muddy it (couldn't resist a water pun)
Hope that feedback helps.
I agree with Erthona on the caps thing. If you just capitalize the beginnings of where the sentences start, it will make the piece flow better when read.
I like the stanza breaks, and I think your first line is a good introduction to the rest. Thanks for keeping the water metaphor all the way through. However, some of the metaphors within this fall flat- for instance, the fish. Good idea, but unclear what exactly these fish are meant to represent.
"Sometimes I watch people gaze into me
And wonder if they guess at what lies beneath"
That's an example of a good, clear use of the water metaphor. The 2 lines after this, however, muddy it (couldn't resist a water pun)
Hope that feedback helps.
Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first. 
