Objects

[milo]

milo,

Hi, thanks for commenting! I know you have considerable experience with poetry, so your notes mean a lot to me. I have trouble finding the poem as awkward as you describe when I read it aloud, perhaps my accent and reading style makes it sound smoother to me than it is. What I found most catastrophic was the first and second stanzas, they need a definite rewrite, but if you would point out what you found jarring, I'll take some time to consider revisions.

I'm shocked that "lay waste to the world in haste" is cliched. I know the theme is cliched, but does that mean an entire subject has to be avoided?

This poem isn't intended to be new and original, it's just my take on a theme. I'm surprised that it's as bad as you describe, it's not perfect but I found it at least salvageable. If you mean that this poem isn't even worth workshopping, could you let me know why that is?

ok, I can give it some time now.

In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawn
and soaked in the sounds of the day
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten
who I knew was sure to come my way.

inaCHAIR ontheLAWN(a) asiRES tedatDAWN(a) perfect anapaestic tetrameter with rhymes every second foot
andSOAKED intheSOUNDS oftheDAY(b) anapaestic trimeter. This is fine as it is a common practice to layer tetrameter and trimeter for effect.
iCLOSED myEYES andLIST enedFOR thePAD dingOF aKIT ten Iambic Heptameter. This pretty much shoots all the work you did. In addition, i think you may have been trying to rhyme listened and kitten.
whoiKNEW wasSURE toCOME myWAY(b) anapaest iamb iamb iamb and a rhyme with your (b) rhyme.

As for content, so far our narrator is sitting in a lawn chair at dawn on his lawn and listening for sounds "of the day" while also listening for the sound of a kitten that he is sure will come along (my way). Much of the information is superfluous and injected strictly for rhyme (at dawn, sounds of the day)

The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
as I sympathized with animal kind.
Still I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur
and listened to him purr as he dined.

theHAL lowedoldOAK© conSI deredME aJOKE© This line starts out as if it will be anapaestic but instead changes mid-stream to iambic and re-starts the "rhyme-in-the-middle" routine from before.
asiSYM paTHIZED withAN imalKIND(d) - anapaest iamb anapaest iamb
stilliGAVE theCAT someMILK andPET hisun KEMPTFUR - anapaest iamb iamb iamb doubleiamb - metrically a mess and the rhymes are gone again
andLIST enedTO himPURR asheDINED(d) 3 iambs and an anapaest.

content - an old oak referred to as "THE old oak" is personified at this point for the sole purpose of considering our narrator "a joke". The oak never enters the poem again, nether is the significance explained or developed. At the same time, the narrator takes some time out of his busy day of sitting and listening to do some sympathizing with animal kind. TBH, if someone told me to go sympathize with animal kind for a bit, I am not sure what I would do, so i am not sure what this animal-kind-sympathizing narrator is doing other than trying to make life inexplicably rhyme.

STILL, the narrator gave the cat some milk and pet him. The cat has unkempt fur. Why still? The narrator takes does some more listening at this point, to the cat purr.

The poem continues along this manner of refusing to commit to a set meter or rhyme all while producing inanities.

Some low points -

attempting to rhyme "me" with "beauty"
adding "of which to speak" at the end of a beast has no morals.
writing "we humans" at all ever
suggesting animals don't "seem" to bother asking why they are locked in the present time frame.
"relegate animals to an industry" - platitudes have no place in poetry.
Forgetting to pluralize "object" when writing of multiple animals.
suggesting "trodding" with pomp.
using the past tense form of "tread" as if it were the present tense.
Just an object to be used by humanity - combining both platitude and double abstraction
Writing a sentence composed of 6 participles, 2 adjectives, 1 adverb and a noun.


The reason I don't think anything past the first 2 lines is salvageable is because there is nothing to salvage. The idea is stale, there aren't really anymore images, the language is clumsy when it's not just grammatically incorrect. It is also all tell and no show. I would suggest taking an image or a small story and telling it without ever /explaining/ the theme to the reader.

For example - if you think animals' lack of morals gives them a wild beauty, don't tell me, sing the song of an animal showing no morals and make him beautiful so that I, the reader, can come to the conclusion myself.