04-21-2014, 02:00 PM
Hi everyone, thanks for the comments.
Crow,
The macro of this poem is about how animals are morally superior to humans, while we are intellectually superior to animals. People fight over morality issues; devastate the natural world to create a comfortable artificial one; worry about the future and make complicated castles in the air; and are able to regard living animals as unfeeling objects. Animals live in the moment; are amoral; and make do with the natural and can't comprehend the artificial.
Regarding the micro notes, "hallowed" means a "venerable" oak; the desired trait of the robin is the lack of morality and the contentment with survival in the moment; and death does a fine job of slowing things down, no matter what you believe in.
Am I a Poet?,
Thank you for your notes, I will take some time to rewrite the first couple stanzas for rhythm. I'll be sure to include some of your suggestions in my next revision, thanks. About your closing comment, the theme here is more of how animals, which are emotive beings that have nerves, pain, and individual personalities, are just considered personal property under the law, like a couch or a TV. In agribusiness, livestock is nothing more than another item. Somewhere along the line, we've lost touch with the fact that consuming meat requires the destruction of animals. For example, when you grab a double from mickey D's, do you pause to ask how the cow that product came from was treated, what it was fed, how it was sheltered and transported, how the slaughtering process works, and how this reflects on the quality of the meat?
milo,
Hi, thanks for commenting! I know you have considerable experience with poetry, so your notes mean a lot to me. I have trouble finding the poem as awkward as you describe when I read it aloud, perhaps my accent and reading style makes it sound smoother to me than it is. What I found most catastrophic was the first and second stanzas, they need a definite rewrite, but if you would point out what you found jarring, I'll take some time to consider revisions.
I'm shocked that "lay waste to the world in haste" is cliched. I know the theme is cliched, but does that mean an entire subject has to be avoided?
This poem isn't intended to be new and original, it's just my take on a theme. I'm surprised that it's as bad as you describe, it's not perfect but I found it at least salvageable. If you mean that this poem isn't even worth workshopping, could you let me know why that is?
Crow,
The macro of this poem is about how animals are morally superior to humans, while we are intellectually superior to animals. People fight over morality issues; devastate the natural world to create a comfortable artificial one; worry about the future and make complicated castles in the air; and are able to regard living animals as unfeeling objects. Animals live in the moment; are amoral; and make do with the natural and can't comprehend the artificial.
Regarding the micro notes, "hallowed" means a "venerable" oak; the desired trait of the robin is the lack of morality and the contentment with survival in the moment; and death does a fine job of slowing things down, no matter what you believe in.
Am I a Poet?,
Thank you for your notes, I will take some time to rewrite the first couple stanzas for rhythm. I'll be sure to include some of your suggestions in my next revision, thanks. About your closing comment, the theme here is more of how animals, which are emotive beings that have nerves, pain, and individual personalities, are just considered personal property under the law, like a couch or a TV. In agribusiness, livestock is nothing more than another item. Somewhere along the line, we've lost touch with the fact that consuming meat requires the destruction of animals. For example, when you grab a double from mickey D's, do you pause to ask how the cow that product came from was treated, what it was fed, how it was sheltered and transported, how the slaughtering process works, and how this reflects on the quality of the meat?
milo,
Hi, thanks for commenting! I know you have considerable experience with poetry, so your notes mean a lot to me. I have trouble finding the poem as awkward as you describe when I read it aloud, perhaps my accent and reading style makes it sound smoother to me than it is. What I found most catastrophic was the first and second stanzas, they need a definite rewrite, but if you would point out what you found jarring, I'll take some time to consider revisions.
I'm shocked that "lay waste to the world in haste" is cliched. I know the theme is cliched, but does that mean an entire subject has to be avoided?
This poem isn't intended to be new and original, it's just my take on a theme. I'm surprised that it's as bad as you describe, it's not perfect but I found it at least salvageable. If you mean that this poem isn't even worth workshopping, could you let me know why that is?
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line